Editor’s note: ‘Two Classy Gents’ is a humor column that runs every Friday.
Dear President Baker,
It’s been a full year since we’ve last spoken. We text messaged you a number of times since last Mardi Gras, and there was that one unfortunate drunk dialing incident last March. Mistakes were made: specifically in your court, sir.
Let’s get to the point, dude. President Baker, please return our pimp goblet. We’re asking you politely the first time. The second time, there will be a rather large dog poop on your porch. And for the third time, we’ll probably ask politely again. However, we will be a little more curt in our phrasing.
In case you were too absent-minded to remember, let us describe the stolen property. It’s gold, it’s a goblet for pimps, and you stole it, President Stealyhands.
Last Mardi Gras, the Two Classy Gents attempted to promote goodwill amongst the police officers of San Luis Obispo County and their visiting peers from an additional 22 counties. After failing, the Two Classy Gents attended a Mardi Gras soiree at a local fraternity. C’mon, you know the one we’re talking about: They have a tanning bed.
Maybe you say we’re lying, and you never stole our pimp goblet. Well, maybe our friend saw you take it, and that’s how we know. Which friend? We’re not telling. (Hint: He has at least one eye.)
We’ve done a lot for you in the past year. We were single-handedly responsible for your raise (see TCG article: “We Gave President Baker That Raise”) and we dispelled the rumor that you were related to Tracy Morgan. All we want for our services is a little something in return. For example, during Mardi Gras we gave you beads for the appropriate activities. Now we’re just mad.
You know what? You’re not even that great of a president. We can list lots of presidents who are better than you. Like Warren Harding, for starters. You want more, bro? How about Herbert Hoover, or even Andrew Johnson? What about Jeff Goldblum, president of the Jeff Goldblum fan club?
We would think that a man of your stature would be able to afford any number of pimp goblets, including those that do not say “Property of Mike Matzke.” Also, you needed to check the cupboard before you stole our pimp goblet, dude. You could have stolen a keg cup and written “Pimp Goblet” on it; people would have still been impressed.
In closing, we just want our pimp goblet back so we can make this Mardi Gras, according to the San Luis Obispo Police Department, “The Best Non-Rioting Mardi Gras Ever!”
Two Dudes Who Desperately Want Their Pimp Goblet Back
Classy: Having a pimp goblet.
Uncouth: People that pepper spray at random, in combination with having their dogs maul you.
Mike Matzke and Doug Bruzzone are Two Classy Gents and Mustang Daily columnists.