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Greg Llamas is a journalism senior and Mustang News columnist. The views expressed in this column do not reflect the viewpoints and editorial coverage of Mustang News.

I’m normally able to find at least a couple things to enjoy in a movie I didn’t like. From a halfway likable character, to a good performance from an actor, to a good scene with humor in it, there has to be at least a few things to like after being trapped in a room with a bad movie for two hours.

So it was surprising to me that I got zero enjoyment out of “Snatched,” starring Amy Schumer. Much like the title of this article suggests, 100 minutes of your life will be snatched away when seeing this.

There was no looking away from it. Much like watching a train wreck, it’s horrifying yet fascinating, and a truly heinous attempt at film making. There are no funny or likable characters in “Snatched.” There are rarely funny moments, though the movie is supposed to be a comedy. There are no redeeming qualities in whatever this mess is supposed to be. Your life will be worse off if you see “Snatched.”

“Snatched” starts off innocently enough. Emily (Amy Schumer) bought non-refundable tickets for a trip to Ecuador. After being let go from her job, her up-and-coming rock star boyfriend and intended travel mate dumping her and her friends not wanting to go with her, she tries to find another person to take along. She eventually settles on persuading her reluctant, cat-loving mother Linda (Goldie Hawn) to join her.

After spending some time in Ecuador, Emily and Linda are captured by agents of crime boss Morgado (Óscar Jaenada). Forced out of their vacation, the mother-daughter duo must find their way out of Morgado’s territory.

At first, it doesn’t seem like “Snatched” will be too terrible. The setup is fairly innocuous; it seemed like it would be just like any other boring, unfunny comedy that comes out once in awhile. The setup of Emily trying to reconnect with her mom wasn’t the worst idea. Initially, the plot line even has a bit of hope. Linda’s cats are adorable and a great way to introduce her character as the reclusive single mother who doesn’t want to date again. “Snatched” was setting itself up to be a bland yet inoffensive comedy.

Unfortunately for the film, Linda’s cats are the best characters in the film. They do nothing but meow, which is the best dialogue in the film. Even though the cats are only in the movie for about two minutes, I got a sinking feeling when Emily and Linda left for Ecuador, knowing that the only likable characters in this abomination would never appear on screen again.

For the rest of “Snatched,” the audience is forced to watch Emily instead of cute cats. Amid the controversy of her poorly received Netflix special “The Leather Special,” it’s popular right now to hate on Schumer. “Snatched” did nothing to help. It’s easy to see why she’s disliked. Right from the beginning of the film when she’s fired from her job and when her boyfriend breaks up with her, she’s one of the least likable characters I’ve ever watched. Just from the first two minutes, it’s obvious that her boyfriend Michael (Randall Park) made the best decision of his life by dumping her. Emily is rude, entitled and an all-around terrible human being. The redemption arc she goes through during the film isn’t believable in the slightest, because the only thing you hope for is that she fails. There’s nothing funny about her and she does nothing funny. There’s a lot (almost everything) wrong with “Snatched,” but Emily singlehandedly made this garbage irredeemable.

Relative to Emily, Linda is an inoffensive character. She’s boring and fairly useless, but at least the audience is able to identify with her when she’s interacting with Emily. At one point during the trip after Emily comes back to their hotel room drunk, Linda tells Emily that “this isn’t fun.” For you and me both, Linda. She said perfectly what I was thinking at the time and throughout the entirety of “Snatched.” It’s easy to feel sorry for Linda for having such a garbage daughter and having to interact with her. It’s easy to feel sorry for Hawn, too. This is her first role in a feature-length film since 2002, and this wreck is what she comes back to? Good God.

For the most part, the supporting characters in “Snatched” are uninteresting and aggressively unfunny. But they take away screen time from Emily, so they get points for that. The only non-cat character who’s entertaining is Roger (Christopher Meloni), an American who “guides” Emily and Linda through a forest but doesn’t know what he’s doing. Another pitiable character is the villain Morgado. He suffers through tragedies at Emily’s hands during the film and it makes him a much more likable character than her, which isn’t saying much. He essentially becomes the hero of “Snatched,” because you’ll actually cheer for him to kill Emily.

If there’s one thing to say about “Snatched,” it’s that it’s the complete opposite of funny. None of the situations that Emily and Linda are in lend themselves toward a comedy film. I don’t really feel like laughing when Emily accidentally kills some of Morgado’s men or when she needs to have a tapeworm extracted. On top of this, the mother-daughter moments aren’t heartwarming at all. Linda has every right to hate her horrible daughter and there are no reasons for them to bond.

The only thing that’s funny about “Snatched” is that some executive at Fox thought the film was a good idea. The most unlikable person in existence going on a trip with her boring mom doesn’t sound like a good idea at all. The only way to excuse this rancid attempt at film making is if it was intentionally designed to be the most unfunny film ever. If so, congratulations to Fox on a
mission accomplished.

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