Douglas B. Bruzzone and Michael Matzke

“I have no comment at this time regarding Cal Poly’s move to Oakland. The facts presented here have no base in reality and clearly make no sense at all.”-President Baker*

Uh oh! Looks like the two classy gents just dug up some more gold. We have found clear evidence that Cal Poly is headed north to the city by the city by the bay. We’ve heard word that the staff will directly instruct students to pack their bags, and we know this dude who knows this other dude who says that we only have enough room for three things per person, and one of them can’t be a weapon.

As students, we shouldn’t have to put up with these horrific travesties. The Administration is stripping our rights one by one, leaving the student body naked on the curb. First, they banned Elvis from Cal Poly for his sexually suggestive gyrating hips. UNCOOL. Then, they took the chocolate milk out of all the drinking fountains, and then pizza parties were only every OTHER Friday. WAY OUT OF LINE. And now, they’re taking away our right to not live in Oakland. NOT VERY CLASSY AT ALL.

What are we supposed to do now, Cal Poly? Just leave friends and family behind and move to a city where someone gets knived every five seconds? In the time it takes you, faithful Mustang Daily reader, to read this sentence: 168 people will be shot in Oakland. Think about that little statistic. One of them could be the dude with the corn nut breath who sits next to you in biology, or that freshman guy who looks like that other freshman guy who looks like every other freshman guy. You know who we’re talking about. He really likes “The Da Vinci Code” and has that ironic mesh hat.

And not only this, but once we get to Oakland, we all have to change majors. Why? No one really knows. What we do know is that there will be a large hat placed near Backstage Pizza, and as everyone leaves for Oakland, they will place their hand into this giant hat and select a new major. The sole exception to this new policy is the College of Agriculture, whose students will be required, or so we hear, to become Engineering majors, because that is really funny.

We apologize, faithful Mustang Daily reader, for being such a damn good rumor patrol. It’s our natural tendency, and we can’t help it. So let it be known that you’re going to have to change majors, move to Oakland and deal with it. Too bad.

Rumor Patrol Out!

*Not a real quote

Classy: Owning leatherbound editions of the Dan Brown library

Uncouth: Being named Dan Brown, but not being the brilliant author

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