Madeline Kuhns is a journalism senior and Mustang News opinion columnist. The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang Media Group.
“Cuffing season,” a.k.a a time of coupling up, has come upon us. The night sky comes earlier, winter holidays are coming up and having arm candy to show off to family and home friends has more appeal than before. If I overhear one more person say they want to be cuffed for the winter just to get a Christmas gift, I might lose my marbles.
In the coming months, I predict a series of relationships beginning, though not all of them have intentions of going long-term. I wouldn’t call these relationships casual dating, because our generation doesn’t treat casual dating the same anymore.
While casual dating involves going on dates with no intention to become official, the situationship involves one person waiting on the other to change their mind. The inherent issue with situationships is the inevitable gray area. Is it casual, just friends, friends with benefits, or a real connection?
I tie the fear of connection to extended adolescence — a real lack of maturity among college students. Many people are still financially dependent on their parents, haven’t learned how to properly communicate and haven’t even had their first kiss yet. For some people, committing to a relationship hasn’t even been considered yet.
Ambiguity and extended freedom may be something you think you want out of a winter situationship. But there is something I propose that is fairer to your partner; what one of my close friends calls an “ethical sl*t era.” In this situation, you prioritize discussing the terms of the relationship before it starts and clearly state when you aren’t looking for something serious.
I’m not saying you have to have everything figured out — I certainly didn’t. But learning to proactively communicate and being clear with your intentions is a good place to start.
If you do want to adjust your situationship into something more serious, you should take a few things into account:
- Do I see this person as a friend to me?
Dating someone means spending a lot of quality time together. Consider if you really enjoy their personality, not just whether they fit your physical wants or check off unrealistic boxes.
- How does this person show up for me?
One of the worst feelings is putting effort, time and compassion into a relationship that doesn’t give back equally to you. Waiting hours or days for a simple text message response is emotionally draining. I’ve learned to not be afraid of a double text if it’s somebody you care about. If they don’t reciprocate, that should send some red flags.
- Am I attracted to who they are, or getting a rush from the push and pull chase?
Sometimes, we only want the things we can’t have. Availability isn’t as attractive as things we have to work for. Make sure you’re interested in the person for who they are, not just because it’s fun to have a class, work or gym crush.
Even if you feel confident in your answers above, there is one often serious problem getting in the way of your goals to becoming more than just friends with benefits with your situationship. You just want different things.
Something extremely vital I have learned through the trials and tribulations of situationships: “I’m not ready/not looking for a relationship right now” doesn’t always mean exactly what it sounds like. This statement can also mean, “I don’t want a relationship with YOU.” Tough love, I know.
If you’re on the other side that doesn’t want to commit to something more serious, don’t continue to feed off their attention. Your breadcrumbing may be fun to you, but is hurtful to someone who actually cares. Take it from Stevie Knicks: “Stop Dragging My Heart Around.”
Though it is often hard to accept that people may want different things than you, I believe it is important to stay stern in your desires. Don’t bend over backwards waiting for people who don’t want commitment when you do.
Unfortunately, it is always hard to say goodbye. If the situationship does end, you may have to deal with the grief of losing something that was never actually yours. Still, I’ve learned it’s better to love and lose than feel nothing at all.
I’ve been in situations where yearning is unescapable. My car almost blew out a speaker from blasting hours of “Wicked Game” by Chris Isaak while I pensively wished things could have been different with a situationship.
Then a close friend laid some wisdom on me. “Everyone is busy these days,” he said. “But the right people who actually care make time for you.”
Romantic relationships may not be at the forefront of your life right now, and that’s okay. Find gratitude in the relationships that you are rich in at the moment. My platonic friendships show up for me every day and bring me more joy than an occasional snog ever could.