As I sit here tanning in the faint glow radiating from my computer monitor, eating stale Oreos and contemplating cracking open my textbook for the first time this quarter, several possible New Year’s resolutions come to mind. What will mine be this year you ask? Lose weight, exercise, improve my grades? Not exactly my type of resolutions; those would require commitment and effort, both of which are not my forte. I prefer to instead, assign tasks to others. It is in that spirit of giving still left over from the holiday season that I give to you the resolutions those in the world of sports should be making:
“For the love of all that is NBA basketball, stop shooting threes” ” The Warriors
Did someone forget to give Mike Montgomery the memo that he’s not at Stanford anymore? The Warriors are second in the NBA in three-point attempts with 793 (24 per game), which coincidentally (24th) is also their ranking in three point percentage at .338. That extra three to four feet for an NBA three would be the most obvious reason for Montgomery’s collegiate strategies failing to succeed in the NBA, but it’s not the only one.
Shooting the basketball is dependent on rhythm. Pounding the ball inside and taking easy shots is methodical. In a seven-game series, you can beat the other team into submission with an inside approach that can be maintained through the ups and downs in momentum. The shooting touch is fleeting; you may be able to steal a game or two, but you’ll never ride threes all the way to an NBA championship in the NBA. The NCAA is set up differently; the 40-minute clock and the one-game elimination style of the NCAA tournament allows any team with a few shooters a chance at greatness for one year.
While I applaud the Warriors’ effort to rebuild downtown Oakland one brick at a time, a playoff series victory would do more to rejuvenate the city. With the Warriors record being 17-16, there is little complaint now about Baron Davis and Jason Richardson being third and fourth in the NBA in three-point attempts. The public outcry will come when the Warriors are dismantled in a 1st round playoff series.
“Stay inside” – Marcus Vick
Before Monday night, Vick’s criminal record consisted of everything from being accused of rape, to marijuana possession to reckless driving. His football record included a year suspension in 2004 and deliberately stomping on Elvis Dumervil’s calf in the Toyota Gator Bowl game this year. Less than a week after being kicked off the Virginia Tech football team and announcing his intentions to enter the draft, Vick then added “pointing a gun at teenagers in a McDonalds parking lot” to his rap sheet on Monday night.
I won’t even ask how the brother of Atlanta Falcons star QB Michael Vick (and one who is supposedly “preparing for the NFL draft”) finds himself at a McDonald’s parking lot. His brother couldn’t hook him up at some nice steak house? How about Applebee’s? Sizzler? McDonald’s was his first choice? Really? How’s all of that training and dieting going?
Sadly, he will still be drafted by a team desperate enough for a QB, but Marcus should avoid all public contact until he’s drafted and signed. The only good thing I can see coming out of this is a reality TV show entitled, The Vicks: Brothers in Arms (pun intended). Just make sure he’s not sent to NFL Europe, as I’m pretty sure he’d be deemed too dangerous to travel abroad.
“Shave the mustache” – Gonzaga’s Adam Morrison
If you don’t know what I’m talking about, just look at any 13-year-old boy with a wispy mustache. Now imagine it instead on a college basketball superstar.
“Retire” – Brett Favre
I’d love to use this space in my column to make excuses for Brett Favre, but I can’t. With 29 interceptions and his worst career passer rating (70.9) this year, it’s time to hang it up. It’s gotten to the point where a 3rd and 10 for the Packers is like a 1st and goal for their opponents (the defensive backs have a better shot at a TD than do the receivers). Don’t stay and tarnish your legacy – in the words of the immortal Ron Burgundy: “Maybe sit the next couple plays out.”
“Never Retire” – Joe Paterno
A year ago the press was calling for his retirement from Penn State. Now, after winning the Orange Bowl and finishing the season 11-1 ranked No. 3 in the nation, the press is voting him Coach of the Year. After winning 354 games and enduring a dramatic triple OT game at the age of 79, who’s to say when he should stop? I want him on the field with a respirator if that is what it takes to keep him a Nittany Lion. When he finally passes out on the sidelines, I want his body preserved and kept in a glass case a la Lenin style.
His mere presence on the field would ensure a .500 record. They could have a cart drive him up and down the sidelines or ship him to prep athletes’ houses for recruiting. In fact, he could even replace the national championship trophy. Paterno could be college football’s version of the NHL Stanley Cup as he is passed around from player to player at the end of the season. I will now step away from the keyboard before I am struck by lightning.
“Meet Bob Barker” – Me
Speaking of human statues – this is completely unrelated to this column – or so you think. While I’m sure everyone reading this had much better things to do this winter break than watch The Price is Right, I didn’t. As a result, I happened to catch one of our very own Mustangs win the showcase showdown. The Mustang Maniacs were there in full force, proving once and for all their unrelenting commitment to support Cal Poly students, regardless of whether or not the competition is technically a “sport.”
My question to all of you who were there is this: Is Bob Barker real? Does he give off that old people smell? Does he only respond to a series of preprogrammed commands? Most importantly, did you ask him how if felt to punch Adam Sandler? If none of you can write in to answer these pressing questions, I will be forced to investigate for myself. Now there’s a resolution I can keep: “One dollar Bob.”
Bradford Applin is a sophomore aerospace engineer and whole-heartedly supports the Hamburglar’s request for a restraining order against Marcus Vick. He can be reached at email@example.com with comments on this article or observations on sports in general.