The Manure is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball.
Malia Mundy is a journalism junior and a satire columnist for Mustang News. The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang Media Group.
Nothing says collegiate academia like a fifth of Jamison, green face paint and a diet of Lucky Charms. These are the staples of St. Fratty’s day, the second most important day of the year at Cal Poly (right behind the hobby horse competition).
St Fratty’s day is a wonderful opportunity to let your 1% Irish genealogy run wild, so here are a few important things to keep in mind so you don’t stick out like a sore WOWie.
Drink the night before
You want to get ahead of the curve and catch a buzz to beat the morning cold. Drinking exponentially the night before St. Fratty’s is normal, chill and recommended. Also, try not to eat in the morning. The absolute best case scenario is to show up starving, drunk and full of Irish cheer. It’s what St. Fratrick would have wanted.
Walk in public with open containers
SLOPD encourages students (especially minors) to take this holiday as a day off from normal legal drinking restrictions. It’s like their version of a little treat before finals.
Plus, just think about it. Why would the cops be patrolling the streets at 5:00 a.m. when they could be fast asleep in bed? Think of St. Fratty’s as a “get out of M.I.P. free” card!
Be fashion forward
Wearing green is so out for 2026. To spice things up this year, try wearing something rainbow or neon. Refund your Depop order for a green shirt that says, “Send me feet pics, I’m Irish,” and switch it up this year. Wearing green is just so 2021.
Invite your whole high school friend group to sleep in your dorm
Don’t you miss the gang? Don’t you want them to come and celebrate by waking up at the crack of dawn to get belligerently inebriated? That fifteen-person group chat needs a reunion, and there’s no better place to host it than in your 200 sq. ft. dorm room.
Get three in each bed, “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” style, and the rest can cuddle on the floor together just like the good old days. If you’re lucky, your roommates will do the same thing and you can triple the party!
Pinch everyone you see
This cutesy childhood trend is BIG on St. Fratty’s day. Most of the time, people try to pinch their professors or R.A. for extra good luck. Maybe it’s also your chance to talk to that one cutie who lives across the floor. Seize the moment and give it a go! Rumor has it, the 317th person to pinch Marc Cabeliza becomes the next ASI President.
Join the underground block party
Cal Poly uncs know that the block party is still a thing, it just operates from a secret location. To know the secret location, it is highly recommended that you commit public urination. Once you pee in public and blast that video all over the internet, you will be sent the location of the glorious block party from an anonymous number. Long live the block party!