I’m always on my grind; I ain’t got time to count sheep. So I’ll take these pills and start a life without sleep.
America’s tank is on empty. We have so many different energy-inducing products on the market, seemingly people don’t stay awake on their own anymore. For real, America, it’s getting pretty damn ridiculous.
Once upon a time there was a magical drink called Jolt Cola. It used to keep me wired as I kicked ass and saved small children in the arcade game version of Michael Jackson’s “Moonwalker.” Then these other soft drinks came out and bit Jolt’s steeze. Now we have energy beer, which is a really funny concept. People used to turn to beer when they had a rough day and wanted to sit on the couch with their pants unzipped and shoes untied. Now it’s that thing people turn to when they’re too tired to go out but don’t want to miss the “wear a piñata and share your candy” party.
What better place is there to get the fuel the body needs than where you fuel up your hoopty? When you’re checking out at convenience stores, lottery tickets, novelty lighters shaped like handguns and super energy pills in neon packages (or colored to look like bumble bees) are staring you in the face, daring you to take a ride on their crazy train. Next to those are foil packets of energy goo or paste or jelly or whatever the hell that stuff is called. Just imagine this product’s spokesperson: “I prefer to rub it on my tired muscles and let my body absorb its electric magnificence.”
Next to those are the energy shots that promise five hours of energy. “To literally jump-start my day, I’ll inject this fine product straight into my thighs.”
With the energy drink and alcohol-mixing trend going on (Caution: your heart hates you for drinking all of those Yeger-bombs and Pitbulls) I wouldn’t be surprised if people started dying from upping the ante. “First, you’re gonna drop this energy shot into this glass of Rockstar. Then, chug it and shoot this vodka. Then, snort this line of cracked-up energy pills, pound this creatine shake, take this beer bong, and sip on this non-fat, non-dairy mocha-latte-a-chino. It’s called a ‘fried by lightning.’”
Everyone’s caffeine tolerance must be going up, too, because Pepsi and Coca-Cola felt it necessary to release products with more of the drug in them. It’s like caffeine addiction is not a problem; it’s a lifestyle. Students know exactly what I mean, especially being that it’s “so tired and wired, I’m technically dead” week. I say we make Friday of dead week “zombie day” and all come to campus wearing tattered clothes and fake blood.
Back to extreme energy products. I made a major discovery this weekend. There are energy-inducing lollipops for sale at gas stations. That’s right, you can now suck on raw electricity. Pretty soon, the typical day will consist of a steady supply of energy supplements. Wake up, shower with caffeinated soap, brush teeth with energy toothpaste, eat a Powerbar for breakfast, chew on energy gum and drink energy water all day. We might as well walk around with Camelback backpacks hooked up to IVs of caffeine.
I’m not saying energy supplements are all bad. I wrote this wired on coffee after daylight-savings time stole an hour of my life (they should just have it on April 1 every year, that way I can laugh when the time on my cell phone fools me and I’m late for something). I’m saying that this trend is growing beyond healthy bounds. Do we really need energy suckers? If the answer is yes, maybe we need to re-evaluate our workload.
So have a productive dead week, you procrastinating slackers, and don’t get cracked out like the TRENDASAURUS on a steady supply of Powerthirst (Google this amazing beverage; you’ll be glad you did).
Brian McMullen is a journalism senior and Mustang Daily columnist.