So the other day I was busy burning pentacles and phallic symbols into my neighbor’s lawn when a little birdie flew onto my shoulder and told me what’s up. He was like, “Steve, you know what? Christians aren’t really that bad, man, you should go easier on them.” I was like, “Dude no way!” You see earlier in the week some inquisitioners had broken up a perfectly heathen crack/prostitute party I was holding, so I was a little miffed at Christians in general, but the birdie set me straight.

He told me that I should be more aware of these three things: Christians have great solutions to modern problems, they are going to throw the best party EVER in just a few years and best of all that Jesus is responsible for my own dual beacons of light, the Two Classy Gents.

First off, Christians have a powerful solution for all of our problems: the power of prayer. Nothing gets the job done like closing your eyes and saying words. Our troops in Iraq don’t need more body armor or more effective leaders, they need people back here at home clasping their hands, bowing their heads and hoping for good things. Shoot, next time I get a life threatening disease I’m not going to the hospital, I’m going to hold hands with my brothers in Christ and I’ll wish that cancer away!

Secondly, it is a huge misconception that Christians are party poopers. They’re actually just saving up for the most crackin’ party ever! We know that a good party lasts until dawn, but what about a party that lasts all eternity? This is what we’re gonna get from heaven. Plus nothing is more of a downer than killing a keg at 2:01 a.m. … everyone knows that there will be no more booze for at least 4 hours. But when you’re chillin’ with a guy that turns water into wine, NO PROBLEM! Also, this guy on the street corner tells me that this party starts with the end of the world, which apparently is coming very, very soon.

Perhaps the greatest thing about Christianity is its creation of the Two Classy Gents. Word on the street is that Jesus and his deadbeat dad (Roman census results show he never once paid his child support) created everything. I would like to say that he was on a roll when he made those two crusaders of couthness. I bet he made them on the same fine Tuesday that he made lawndarts and psycadelic mushrooms. Word.

Stephen Knudsen

Soil science sophomore

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