The Hoof is a satire column, created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not for you. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball. Ha. Puns. 

Izaac Tompkins is an environmental protection and management senior and satire columnist. The views represented do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang News.

Following nearly three months of preparations, campus officials have announced a new “Campus Rehabilitation” project that will rival even the most ambitious of simultaneous construction projects. Sources confirmed this weekend that starting in October, construction will commence on every campus road, building and sidewalk. Now, instead of fences potentially lining nearly every road and building throughout campus, officials absolutely guarantee it. 

Freshmen may understandably face some trouble when unable to enter a building from three of its most convenient sides, but sources tell The Hoof that there may be some helpful arrows printed on copier paper. Perplexed incoming students are encouraged to wander in circles before succumbing to and suffering a full psychological breakdown, at which point they can be treated at the Health Center. Directions around and through the necessary fencing will be printed as well, hole punched and cable-tied through the holes in the fences. 

Travel on campus will become exceedingly difficult, an official told The Hoof, but the changes to campus travel will only be temporary. Officials predict the construction period to last a mere four to seven years. Many similar projects on campuses throughout the country have been in progress for decades, but this administration hopes to change that.

By starting construction on every single square foot of campus, Cal Poly can get everything out of the way for a while. Sources tell The Hoof that by combining everything into one big, long project, there may be one entire week (seven days) without construction on Cal Poly’s campus. Commencing construction on everything essentially means that the overall school endowment has been reduced to scraps (due to the rising cost of temporary fencing). Officials have assured The Hoof that there is a spectacular art in the commencement of simultaneous construction throughout the peaks and bowels of this great campus.

Construction will also occur on every patch of open or green grass on campus. Principally, both Dexter and Baker lawns will be put under construction to create greener and more efficient grass. Students can rest easy knowing there will be a solution to the temporary (four- to seven-year) lapse in recreational/study space on campus. Officials plan to designate grand areas of asphalt delicately placed in-between a myriad of different fences. Areas such as Baker Science (Building 180), which just recently finished construction, will reenter construction for the next four to seven years to make fresh and modern stylistic improvements.

Funding for these massive capital improvement projects has unfortunately been classified and may or may not be released within the following decades. Students need not worry about rising tuition and administrative costs — officials confirmed to The Hoof that these costs would continue to rise regardless of the gargantuan expenditures of campus-wide simultaneous construction. 

Officials told The Hoof that students unhappy with the sheer scale and extensiveness of on-campus construction should carefully direct their comments to the “Cal Poly SLO Mustang Parents” Facebook page.

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