Jackie Espitia | Mustang News

The Hoof is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball. Ha. Puns.

Elijah Winn is an environmental earth and soil science sophomore and Mustang News opinion columnist. The views expressed do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang News. 

On Tuesday, Jan. 11, President Armstrong sent out another school-wide email that read as follows: 

“Dear Campus Community: 

Recent events have called for a drastic change in the way that the university must go about conducting itself in regards to COVID-19. To make things easier, students will be encouraged to use our two new testing sites: the abyssal dominion of hell with its subsequent nine circles and Detroit.

In regards to the falsified reports that Cal Poly has had an increasing number of students test positive that we cannot support, this is completely untrue. The real number of positive cases is closer to [spin wheel for number; DO NOT FORGET TO DELETE]. 

Students that have tested positive, we will support you through this so that you may properly isolate. So, we are opening an exciting new program that sends COVID-19 positive students to the California Men’s Colony just north of campus on an all-expenses-paid trip that the university will cover. Who knows, maybe you’ll meet a future friend!

Additionally, we are ready for even more positive cases beyond the scope of what our graphs are projecting, so we are opening other isolation spaces in Mariana’s Trench! 

Positive students that wish to quarantine at home will be incentivized through a half-eaten bagel and a $100 gift card to any Blockbuster of your choice. 

To make campus passes more effective, we will have a staff member follow each and every student to ensure that campus passes are done exactly before noon. If not, students will be punished accordingly. 

For the booster vaccine deadline, we pledge to make things as easy and accessible as possible. We will be using a new system to orient which students get to go first for the booster clinics. Students that Venmo the account “heartbreaka-jeff-armstrong69” the highest amounts of money will be able to earn a better spot in line for a booster. 

The university understands that this time is difficult for us all, especially students. To alleviate the stress of tuition and college debt we will be opening up a new program that the school has sponsored called “Blood in the Water: Cal Poly Loan Sharks.” 

Finally, I would like to ask everyone to please stop sending that petition around. If you can provide proof that you have not signed the petition, there may be a gift card to Tu Taco in it for you. 

Sincerely, 

Jeffrey D. Armstrong 

Lord Ruler”

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