The Hoof is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball. Ha. Puns.

Hannah Benson is a journalism senior and satire columnist. The views represented do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang News.

Relationships can be difficult to navigate, especially since we are about two decades old. Also, that time you held hands with Claire for a week in middle school doesn’t count. This lack of experience means college students are still learning how to communicate effectively with their partners. Maybe an ex taught you unhealthy romantic practices or maybe every time you talk to another person within five feet, you potentially spread a super harmful virus. 

Therefore, The Hoof has supplied students with fool-proof scripts for relationships of all sorts. Just follow the script that pertains to your situation, word-for-word, to ensure effective points are made in this pandemic era.*

(*) = For facetime/call use only, or yell it from across a field, be bold.

For those who have been oblivious to their mutual crushes:

Crush 1: So COVID-19? Hahaha. 

Crush 2: It’s so terrible. Hahahaha.

Crush 1: Makes you wanna take drastic action. Haha, what if, right? Hahaha.

Crush 2: And tell people you care about them as an uncontrollable disease could affect them at any moment …

Crush 1 and 2: I have feelings for you. Hahaha.

For that those who have been messaging each other on Tinder all week:

Tindate A: Bet you’re pretty cute wearing the same pajamas all week.

Tindate B: Gonna do something about it? 😉

Tindate A: I won’t be coming over, if that’s what you want, because social distancing is the most effective means we have of flattening the curve right now.

Tindate B: That’s so hot. Guess we’re gonna sext for the next month, huh?

Tindate A: Maybe, I’ll be bad and do it during a Zoom meeting. 😉

For those who have defined the relationship within the past three months:

Partner A: Hey, I just wiped my butt with a paper towel … again. 🙁

Partner B: Hi, interesting for you to say. That’s pretty personal, does that mean, perhaps you’re ready for the next step?

Partner A: Step, babe?

Partner B: We quarantine at my place for the next three weeks. We can share groceries, run joint laundry loads, learn what makes the other tick and lower the spike in hospitalizations of coronavirus victims. 

Partner A: You know what, I can’t imagine stopping the spread of contagion with anyone else. I love you, let’s go steal toilet paper from our local corporate coffee house.

For friends with benefits:

“Friend” A: Hey, so how do you feel about living with your parents for the unforeseeable future?

“Friend” B: Not really what I imagined when I agreed to be in debt for the next several decades to pay out-of-state tuition. Wish you were here. You know, to kiss, not because of your incredibly comforting arms.

“Friend” A: You’re going through some tough stuff. Just so you know, you can talk to me about it whenever. I miss kissing too, guess we made the right decision, you know, to stay friends.

*three hours later*

“Friend” A: Now that I only have time to think, I’m pretty sure my fear of commitment stems from my past, but you’re more important than that. Can we talk about us?

For those in a long-distance relationship:

Partner 1: Have a great day, thinking about you. Send me pics of the pre- and post-cookie baking. 

Partner 2: Aw, hope your day is wonderful, baby. I love you! 

Partner 1: I love you too!

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