The Hoof is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball. Ha. Puns.

Declan Molony is a business administration senior. The views expressed do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang News.

Dear beloved brothers of our established order,

Hello, my name’s Declan and I’m the president of the fraternity Alpha No Betas. The threat of the coronavirus is real and poses a significant risk to the greek life community should we choose to carry on with our usual fun and games. It’s our job as brothers in the greek community to ensure a safe and successful fall quarter.

Now, this is no average fall quarter. There are many unique problems that will impact our fraternity’s normal way of life. At Alpha No Betas, we’re all about innovation and I am more than excited to share with you several new initiatives that our brothers have created.

If there’s one thing the boys at Alpha No Betas are known for, it’s that our parties are sick. However, our signature beer bongs do not currently comply with social distancing guidelines. Some engineering brothers figured out with some extra tubing and a little bit of duct tape, we could extend our beer bongs to create 6-10 feet of social distancing between responsible party goers.

What if you’re not a beer bong kind of person, but still want to get wasted without fear of being exposed to the virus? Don’t worry, we thought of something for that, too. Part of this year’s budget will go towards buying stylish wine bags with straws long enough to go under your mask so you can safely get plastered with the bros.

Speaking of beer, we will no longer be buying Coronas for our parties. We will instead be exclusively buying Modelos to show our opposition to this virus.

Over the years at Cal Poly, we have witnessed other greek communities make poor decisions when it comes to appropriate party themes. After completing Alpha No Betas’ cultural sensitivity training over the summer, I had to confront our party planning committee to cancel our karate-themed ‘Kung Flu’ party. 

Rush will be different as well. Some of the senior brothers in our chapter have voiced their concerns that they won’t be able to haze — sorry, I meant ‘get to know’ incoming pledges. To them, I say don’t worry. We will be shifting our ‘getting to know’ exercises into an online format this year. 

Finally, I’d like to address what President Jeffrey Armstrong said in a recent email to the Cal Poly community. He stated in terms of public health this fall, “the biggest concern is likely… those who choose to participate in risky behaviors or group behaviors (i.e. parties).” I would not be surprised if  President Armstrong was directly addressing Alpha No Betas and the rest of the greek community with that statement. But with the new guidelines that I’ve listed here, I think we’re going to be able to have a great fall quarter.

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