Credit: Sophie Kroesche | Mustang News

The Hoof is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball. Ha. Puns. 

Hannah Benson is a journalism senior and satire columnist. The views represented do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang News.

College is a time of growth, and a distinct skill Cal Poly students have the opportunity to learn is the art of the apology. Expressing remorse requires unique timing, wording and problem-solving in the most vague way possible. Here at The Hoof, we present the most effective ways to apologize and fix an ongoing problem as demonstrated by our university. 

Spend lots of money on a survey

Money has the ability to not only buy an “I’m Sorry” card, but a survey that can provide data on facts one may have already concluded from primary sources such as social media posts or walking around on campus. 

“Last May, I had dented my roommate’s 2006 Kia Soul with my Razor scooter at least five times, so I did what any Mustang would do, I spent over $200,000 dollars on a survey to see what I could do better,” construction management junior Erin Richardsen said.

Richardsen’s survey posed questions that should have been asked after the first incident, but with the constant reminder that he spent “so much” money and it looked professional, he said he thinks his roommate forgave him. 

Hold an event to announce facts already known

Another method of the perfect apology is holding a presentation to formally state the given as though it is new information.

“I had gotten caught cheating on various romantic partners, so I thought the best way to own up to my heartless habits was to gather up all my exes and tell them I had been unfaithful to them,” wine and viticulture sophomore Payton Andersen said. “The addition of a mic and stage made the apology so much more sincere.”

Andersen advises to utilize the word “surprise” when discussing the hurt that was caused.

Send out a mass email

This is a cherished Cal Poly tradition. An email is the most personal mode of addressing an ongoing issue, especially when it incorporates unclear allusions of how it greatly impacted the affected party.

The content of the ideal email apology is meant to beg the question: “How much was actually copied and pasted from the last apology email?”

“I have a history of throwing up on furniture at parties, so my plan of action is always the Mustang way,” physics senior Cora Harrings said. “Like any old cover letter, I just change the name of the homeowner and specify the furniture piece splattered with tummy juice. It shows how deeply I feel about this issue and how I plan to change my ways.”  

An additional method of “spicing up” an apology email is inviting a third party to write it instead, in order to retract outright blame for the incessant vomiting. 

I’m super sorry if there are any grammatical errors in this article. I will make sure to email everyone about it next week, but only if you post about it on Instagram. 

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