Georgie De Mattos/Mustang News

Daniel Park is a journalism senior and Mustang News humor columnist. The views expressed in this article do not reflect the viewpoint or editorial coverage of Mustang News.

Today, I want to talk about something that angers me to no end. No, it’s not the French. Rather, this something is seemingly everywhere. It’s like a virus or bacteria, but without hope for a cure.

That’s right — I’m talking about bicyclists.

Yes, bicyclists. People who genuinely hate America and liberty. You see them everywhere, smiling like they actually enjoy exercising (it disgusts me). Everyone knows that only communists and dictators smile while exercising. Or perhaps they’re smiling because they know they don’t have to pay for the same parking permits that the rest of us must pay. It angers me so much.

But perhaps what I hate most about bicyclists is the serious misconception that they think they are cars. What I mean by that is that they believe they have the same rights as people who have the wonderful sense to drive to school. And while I sit alone on a Friday night with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s in one hand and Disney movies on my television screen (one day I’ll get a prince), I occasionally think about why the hell these people have the same rights as drivers. It makes no sense.

There they are, no more than a foot wide, taking up an entire car lane! And the driver behind the dipstick has to stop and pretend like the bicyclist is a car. But that’s not the worst part. The worst part is when the light turns green and the idiot starts to go. In a nice, air-conditioned car, one can cross the busy intersection in mere seconds. On a crappy bike, it takes HOURS for the “driver” to cross the intersection. And the car driver again has to pretend like the bicyclist is a car, albeit a car with an old woman who witnessed firsthand both World Wars and the rise and fall of the Confederacy behind the wheel.

You know what? I would take a senior citizen in a car over a bicyclist anytime. Why? Because with senior citizens, there’s a good chance that they’ll die soon, thus getting them off the road faster.

(Hopefully they don’t die while driving, which I would argue is a much bigger problem than bicyclists).

I can’t count how many times I have nearly run over a bicyclist. Actually, about 16 times — 14 of those times I actually succeeded in running them over. Unfortunately, they all survived. They swerve and maneuver across roads and lanes like they’re in a hurry. Well, the drivers who must stay in lanes have places to be, too. I, for example, have 10 minutes or fewer to get home to watch another exciting episode of “Dora the Explorer.” A Hispanic girl with an unforgivably high voice teaching me the joys of discovering the world around us? Yes, please.

So I have a solution to this heart-wrenching problem that’s plaguing our great community: Cal Poly should only have one bike rack on campus. By having only one bike rack, we can strongly discourage the use of bicycles to and from school. We can also establish bike permits for those who insist on making everyone’s life miserable. The starting price will be 10,000 euros. Yup, euros. That way, bicyclists will have to go to the currency exchange (probably on their bikes) to get a permit, which they hopefully can’t afford.

Also, all Cal Poly administrators should be forced to ride to work on bikes. After all, if faculty and students must go through the painful process of finding parking, then administrators should go through an equally painful process of exercising. I urge all drivers to back me up on this. Imagine, for a brief second, the beauty of empty streets.

Imagine the greatness of America restored.

In all seriousness, though, those of you who ride bikes need to learn something. Yes, you guys have the right to be on the street, hogging up all the lanes. But you guys also have responsibilities.

I love and respect the few bicyclists who actually use hand signs to tell the driver behind them that they are either going to take a left or right and should act accordingly instead of just cutting through and causing a 200-car pile-up behind them.

I love and respect the bicyclists who realize that the bike lanes are lanes for … wait for it … bikes and use the lanes that are so painted with a disgusting shade of green. When you use the bike lanes, it allows for the rest of us in cars to go on our way undisturbed, listening to Justin Bieber and knowing deep inside that, though we may like his music, he still is and will always be a douche.

In conclusion, there clearly are rules for motorists and bicyclists, some of which are the same for both. Although I may disagree with it, bicyclists have rights on the road that I urge all motorists to follow. But, and this is important, bicyclists must follow the rules of the road as well. I’m tired of wiping blood and body parts off my bumper. So do your part and ensure that you don’t end in a tragic accident.

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