Daniel Gingras

A wingman, as defined in the dictionary, is a pilot who supports another in a hostile environment filled with bogies. The wingman must support the pilot by engaging his target, as well as defending the pilot against possible intruders in a hostile zone.

A “wingman,” as we know it, is a buddy who makes another man look good in a hostile bar scene filled with babes. It is the wingman’s duty to intercept the plus-sized, beaten-with-the-ugly-stick, or can’t-and-won’t-stop-talking women who may present an obstacle to the pilot’s pursuit. Whether they may defend the sexiest of their pack like fearsome, cackling hyenas, or hunt out men in the vicious hope of satisfying their own terrifying sexual desires, the wingman must, for his pilot, neutralize a sexy girl’s friends by any means necessary.

But do not take your responsibilities as a wingman lightly. Do not enter into the position of wingman without knowing what to do. You must study up, you must train, and you must become strong, grasshopper.

According to greatwingman.com, a site that offers a selection of wingman stories and advice, “A great wingman understands the great laws of wingmandom. The laws of ‘wingmandom’ are laws that have been passed down for thousands of years, and a great wingman has taken a sacred oath to honor and respect those laws.”

Laws like:

Law No. 7

The wingman should, wherever possible, make his pilot out to be a living legend.

Law No. 19

The wingman should always warn his pilot if he believes the primary target is only looking good because of the beer goggles.

Law No. 13

The wingman is exempt from public humiliation (after the fact) if he in fact has to take the fat and/or ugly girl home to ensure that the primary target is captured.

And my personal favorite:

Law No. 12

The wingman must never attempt to poach the primary target while his pilot is using the restroom.

A full list of international wingman laws can be found at wikipedia.org, and it would behoove you to learn them, “goose.”

But, like they are at so many other things in life, such as sewing, smelling good, math and learning foreign languages, women are better at being “wingmen” than men. You should either make some friends who are girls and bring ’em to the bars, or check out wingwomen.com. The New York- based Web site sells their wingwomen’s time for $50 an hour to guys who want help meeting women and have lost faith in the wingman scheme. “Women are used to guys and their wingmen hitting on them,” founder Shane Forbes said. “Women have developed reactive strategies to counteract the wingman’s pickup mission.” Forbes claims that women are more likely to let their guard down when confronted by a man’s lady friend instead of his buddy. The Web site boasts a history of more than 200 customers, and a “conversion rate” of 65 percent, which meant that the clients got phone numbers from the girl they picked.

It’s bizarre that we need to gang up in order to approach women in the first place. But it seems to work. Wingmen everywhere, we salute you. Keep up the good work.

For questions, comments, or to pay Daniel $50 an hour to be your wingman, write to dgingras@calpoly.edu.

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