Welcome back to another year Letters to the Editor! Here, even the lowliest freshman’s opinion can be heard among students who enjoy crossword puzzles and Sudoku. For those unfamiliar to this section, the following tips will guarantee your journalistic endeavors are as effective and provocative as possible:
1. Use ad hominem attacks, anecdotal evidence, bifurcation, and other so-called “fallacies.” Attacking another person’s character and/or using straw man tactics are excellent ways of taking attention away from the original argument, while making your own position look awesome.
2. Absolutism is your friend. Words such as “all,” “everyone,” and “never” lend credibility and authority to your points.
3. Ignore sarcasm, whether implied or explicit. The Mustang Daily abhors satire and irony in any form, and never prints it. Thus, one should reply to all opinions and editorials as if the author meant exactly what he or she said, literally.
4. Should you choose to do any research at all, never cite your sources. Just say “It’s generally accepted fact…” or “Everyone knows that…” This makes you appear knowledgeable – yet mysterious – about the subject at hand. This “intelligent mystique” is also a great way to score with members of the opposite sex.
5. Finally, “Die in a fire” is an acceptable retort in any situation. For added effect, invoke Godwin’s Law: “Die in a fire with your pal Hitler.”
I hope this guide helps to improve and encourage your contributions to the public discourse. If nothing else, you’ll be a master debater.
computer science senior