Douglas B. Bruzzone and Michael Matzke

Editor’s note: “Two Classy Gents” is a humor column that runs every Friday in the Mustang Daily.

The other day, the Two Classy Gents were sauntering around campus when a horde of freshman girls approached us. “What is good?” they asked us. “First off, bunnies,” Doug replied. “No,” the taller girl said, “we meant Jesus-good.” “Well,” Mike said, “probably Jesus.” “Then we suggest you attend one of the Campus Crusade meetings,” the leader replied. So, faithful Mustang Daily reader, the Two Classy Gents crashed that God party. But we didn’t realize how unprepared we really were.

The Two Classy Gents assumed that the breadth of our religious knowledge would prepare us for this momentous event. In the past few months, we have tried being Quakers, Puritans, Scientologists and very strict Catholics. In one way or another, all of these religions were unsuitable to our classy ways. To study up on our latest attempt at religion, Christianity, we sat down and read the novel “Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret,” by Judy Blume. We assumed Margaret finds God in her life, but soon after, we realized Ms. Blume primarily talks about lady bleeding and other similar events.

We arrived promptly at 8 o’ clock that Wednesday night at the Chumash Auditorium. Two friendly Christians welcomed us and made us nametags, and we let them know it was our first time attending the epic event of Christ. “That’s sooo nice,” the young gentleman replied. “Do you guys have any questions?” Doug asked, “What would Jesus do for a Klondike bar?” The Christians were not amused. They were further perturbed when Mike unzipped his hoody to reveal a one-of-a-kind “God is pretty cool, but Frampton rocks!” T-shirt. By the looks of things, the night was headed downhill.

However, the rest of the evening was quite entertaining. Ozzie Smith, Cal Poly alumus and Hall of Fame St. Louis Cardinals shortstop, gave a sermon on “What God considers to be awesome.” The Two Classy Gents were excited because they had never seen a sermon before, but were later disappointed after Smith displayed a personal highlight reel that lasted over 45 minutes. Destiny’s Child, the night’s musical act, made up for Smith’s selfish endeavors with a performance of “Bootylicious.”

Overall, we think Christianity is pretty cool. However, there are some topics we can improve upon for the next Campus Crusade meeting:

“Jesus Pen Names”: We were unaware that the following list of terms referred to Jesus: Him, King, Big Baby Jesus, He, Lord, Shaq Daddy.

Sins and Sinners: We could’ve sworn that “Thou Shalt Not Eat Tuna Salad Sandwiches” was from the Bible. And the biggest sinners in our book are the sworn enemies of the Two Classy Gents, President Warren Baker and professional a-hole Wayne Gretzky.

Turn Off Your Cell Phones: Sorry, we had to close a big account. But the only way to hold conference calls are on speakerphone.

Jesus Facts: Does Jesus really eat all the cookies and milk on Christmas Eve? And also, is it ok to text message Jesus during the day for help? Or does that come off as a little gay?

Classy: Bearded fellows, like Jesus and also God.

Uncouth: Satan.

Mike Matzke and Doug Bruzzone are Two Classy Gents and Mustang Daily columnists.

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