Douglas B. Bruzzone and Michael Matzke

If you didn’t already know, faithful Mustang Daily reader, the Two Classy Gents have friends in very high places. We attend balls at Martin Landau’s casa, and have sipped Cristal with two out of the three members of TLC. And we all know why there’s one left out: she wasn’t cool enough. And she’s also dead. However, we do know one person who’s cool enough, and quite possibly un-dead. That person is President Warren Baker.

We first thought about giving President Baker the hall monitor sash to wear around Dexter Lawn, but we realized his skin chafes easily. So instead we gave him money, and lots of it. So why are the student fees increasing while President Baker’s salary increases? Think about it Pele, you’ll get it someday. The man is widely acclaimed. Not only is he the president of Cal Poly, he’s the only man to complete and successfully land a triple lutz on dry land. He’s also won a Tony for “Cats.”

After all he’s done for us, the only comments that we hear about the raise are, “He doesn’t deserve it” or “You’re photocopying pictures of your what?” No one appreciates these demeaning and insensitive remarks. In other words, stop complaining you big vat of babies. You wouldn’t know what genius was if it was president of your own school, WHICH IT IS. Duhhh.

One morning the Two Classy Gents saw a primo example of everything President Baker contributes to Cal Poly. We were getting our normal soy half-decaf no-whip mochas, standing in a line of, oh, 30 or so people, when an unfortunate fellow sprained his ankle on the DDR machine, and then died. Luckily, President Baker was there to perform his unholy voodoo magic. He resuscitated the hapless victim and returned him to his natural state of nerdiness, and then bought the whole line cookies! What a jolly soul!

Maybe you don’t want him to have that raise because you don’t know him well enough. That means it’s time for everyone’s favorite factoid-teenie-bopper-happy-good-time-review: THE LIST!

Height: Eight feet tall

Likes: Capes and wild horses

Dislikes: Applesauce

Favorite Color: Eggshell white

Favorite Quote: “I rule so good, that good rules itself.” -me!

Hopefully, you finally understand why we gave President Baker that raise with all your money. What were you gonna spend it on anyways? Easy Mac?

For personal commentary about this or any topic from the man himself, send President Baker a letter, along with a self-addressed stamped envelope, and five to 10 dollars. And sign it “Poor Student.” He likes it when you do that.

Classy: The Answer to 17 Down is “Sheen.”

Uncouth: Not giving President Baker five to 10 dollars, but instead, one to three.

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