Editor’s note: This article ran as a humor column in the opinion section of the Mustang Daily.
While working over winter break, I started my morning off on a negative note when I arrived at the strip mall one morning to find myself tailing a Hummer with a Jesus fish glued to the bumper of its oversized gas-pissing battle station. After parking on top of a few stray baby penguins and various other infantile and endangered animals, a white man emerged (or as I call them, “whiteys”) parting the crowds with a stomach that seemed the perfect physical manifestation of his ego. It took an incredible amount of restraint the rest of the day to conceal my ever-growing hatred of the white man after that incident.
Now, I don’t want you to think that my hatred for white people is something I picked up second-hand from listening to Kanye West albums, feel-good films about racially diverse sports teams trying to triumph over racist all-white teams during the Civil Rights Movement, or exposure to the horrendous acting of Colin Farrell.
No, my hatred for whites comes from direct exposure with their people, like attending rodeos or waiting in line at Starbucks. To explain my hatred, I will use this column to prove that white people are a drain upon our society and the source of all of America’s ills.
There are three types of white people: country folk, white suburbanites, and (insert third kind of white people here).
Country folk are a simple-minded white population whose primary interests include guns, police chase videos and patriotic rock anthems. While good-natured, many aspects of post-modern American culture fly over their heads.
Let’s say you were to attend a screening of the film “No Country for Old Men” with a white person with a background in corn. Just corn. You might be intrigued by the telling commentary on modern American violence. The white person will be disappointed that Tommy Lee Jones’ character failed to fight any aliens in the film.
Unfortunately, these white people have their priorities completely mixed. Take, for example, the recent Burger King campaign that features hidden cameras taping white people going nuts over the Whopper burger not being available on the menu. One white man in a wifebeater goes nuts and actually shoots one of the cashiers dead with a BB gun he carries with him at all times to shoot squirrels. OK, so that doesn’t happen, but you believed me for a second, right? This breed of white people is unfortunate, because they equate McDonald’s with good ol’ stars n’ stripes, rather than that creepy robotic scorpion that buries itself in Keanu Reeves’ belly button in order to brainwash him in the first Matrix. I’m anxiously waiting for a study relating fast-food consumption to the stupiding of the nashun.
On the other side of the White People Spectrum are white suburbanites, who consider themselves intelligent and of good judgment because they don’t enjoy guns, police chase videos or patriotic rock anthems, but not because they actually know or understand broad social concepts and issues.
White suburbanites often have a huge ego that needs to be filled (e.g. by writing opinion articles for the newspaper) because they feel important since the portraits on American currency are of white people (sorry Sacajawea dollar, you just never really caught on). When they don’t have a public forum to spew out their self-important dribble, they become anxious and vomit phrases like “I’d like to speak to your manager!” and “Let’s name our son Brock!” in effort to single themselves out from the rest of the white crowd.
Many in this class of white people consider themselves moral solely because their parents were Christian. Also, they consider themselves racially tolerant because they give a wave to the Hispanic yard workers who show up to mow their lawns.
White folks always try to rationalize their racial status by stating “I’m half-Italian, half-Norwegian,” or “I’m British,” or “I’m albino,” but they’re just trying to avoid the dreaded truth: they are white people. Not me though, I’m Irish-Polish-Czech. I hope this column forces you and your people to look inward and realize that your egotistic nature, fast-food diet and overall smaller brain size are a drain on this great nation and the dreams of our white Founding Fathers. Thank you for your time.
James Koman is a biology junior and a Mustang Daily humor columnist.