Lauren Rabaino

Lee: 204 . 205 . 206. Yup, got ’em all!

Sean: Hey Lee, doing the daily bone count by the pool?

Lee: Yeah, can you believe they’re all still there after the crazy winter break I had?

Sean: I would have bet against it; in fact, I’d bet you added one or two! Cannonball!

Lee: Oh no, you’ve gotten me all wet! But for real, my break was ridiculous. Have you ever stabbed three men at the same time?

Sean: Is the sky grayish-blue? HELL YES IT IS . but no I have never stabbed anyone.

Lee: Me neither, but I totally thought up that scenario during the break, wild, huh? How does that water feel?

Sean: It’s so warm and soothing; you really should come join me.

Lee: No thanks, I’m warm here in the sun. How was your vacation?

Sean: Outlandish! A judge declared me clinically insane, so I spent two nights in a padded room before breaking loose and escaping to Reno, which was a big letdown, until I met transients and rode in a boxcar train to Tijuana! Could you even handle something so wild?

Lee: I wouldn’t think I could until two days before Christmas. I was watching “It’s a Wonderful Life,” and I just got this craving for salt. So, I went upstairs and ate NINE saltines in two minutes! I got so thirsty, I had to drink a whole Tab. I put on two pounds that day! Plus, I missed the part where Jimmy Stewart gets married. Come on out of the water and soak up some of this sun.

Sean: Alright fine, you’ve convinced me. I am getting a little pruney. So Tijuana, right? When I tried to cross back into the U.S., I encountered several, angry rednecks with shotguns. After multiple failed attempts at communication, I just ended up joining them, and spent one week walking the border fence, smoking peyote. I saw Jesus and Buddha playing chess, passively. Hand me a towel, will you?

Lee: Nah, just lie down right here and air-dry. That’s an interesting story, but nothing like this: I had grass seats at the John Mayer concert and he definitely made eye contact with me. I swooned. Sunscreen?

Sean: Oh, smart move. Just squirt a glob on my back and rub it in, will you? John Mayer? You are such a softy! Back from Arizona, I spent New Years in Laguna Beach: The Real O.C., posing as a valet employee and made off with two Ferraris and a Dodge Neon. I’ve parked it in the driveway for you buddy, Merry Christmas. My shoulders are covered, thanks. Why don’t you get my lower back?

Cable guy: Excuse me, boys. I’m trying to locate the cable box, but I just can’t seem to find it. Could you point me in the right direction?

Sean: Sure, it’s over there on the side of the house, by the daffodils. It’s pretty low to the ground, so you may need to crawl in there to get to it.

Lee: Where’s that music coming from?

Cable guy: Thanks fellas, boy it sure is a beautiful day. I wish I didn’t have to work so I could lounge by the pool with you two.

Lee: Well, I wish I could grow a moustache that thick. Tell you what: after you fix our cable, I’ll make you a momosa.

Sean: So tell me, cable man, how was your winter break?

Cable guy: Great, I spent all of Christmas day with my wife and kids, playing touch football, eating steak and putting up drywall. Well, your cable’s all fixed. I think I’ll pass on that momosa. I’m a beer man. See you guys later!

Lee: Goodbye! I love the flannel! So anyway, Sean, I have to say my break was a bit better than yours. Illegally crossing borders and stealing cars sounds dangerous. I had a moment with John Mayer. Who’s the dreamiest person you made eye contact with?

Sean: Well I met and briefly chatted with Halle Berry at a club in Los Angeles.

Lee: Oh, she’s such a fox. I’d hit that any time. That makes your break much better than mine, bro. Have you seen Monster’s Ball? DAMN.

Lee Barats is a mechanical engineering senior and Sean Michetti is a journalism senior. Barats and Michetti are the Mustang Daily’s humor columnists and can be contacted at TitsforTats@gmail.com.

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