Ryan Chartrand

I must admit that this whole presidential primary season is quite the headache. On one side of the aisle, we have a cluster fu#* because the presumed victor had a campaign implosion . thank you very much, Bill Clinton. On the other side you have alphabet soup of candidates and their positions. With the California primaries just around the corner, it might be helpful to evaluate the candidates. At least most of them . as I see them. Muhahahaha!

Hillary Clinton
I have maintained that I have no problem with a woman as president. While her crying stunt showed the world that the ice queen is actually not a raging steroidal maniac bent on selling the few remaining military secrets we have to the Chinese, it didn’t prove that she has an actual beating heart. On second thought, I am still waiting for a woman candidate. Hillary, lay off the steroids.

Barack Obama
Quite frankly, Obama scares me. I’m all for minorities, but he has “Hussein” in his name. I thought the Hussein mess was taken care of. All kidding aside though, as a candidate, we the people know very little about him. Yes, he is a fresh and engaging individual, but so are the tigers at the San Francisco Zoo.

John Edwards
I must admit that, as a Republican, I really like John Edwards. I always have thought that anyone who looks like a game show host and knows politics should be president. I just hope that John “Silky Pony” Edwards doesn’t end up with a hangnail while in office . that would be a bad week in the White House. Besides, if it doesn’t work out for Edwards, he can always host “Extreme Makeover.”

Dennis Kucinich
I only mention him because he is like Ron Paul: short, big ears and has a snowball’s chance in hell at winning anything short of dog-catcher in Humboldt County. I’m also really confused by his slogan “Strength through peace.” What does that even mean? That instead of going to war to fight terrorism, we should have instead invited Osama and his cronies over for a barbecue? Sigh.

Mike Huckabee
I don’t want to offend anyone (just kidding), but Huckabee is the Republican version of Howard Dean. Kudos for getting the endorsement of Chuck Norris, but nobody is going to vote for an extreme right-winger any more than they will for an extreme left-winger. Also, good call on pardoning hundreds of murders as governor of Arkansas.

Mitt Romney
I really have no problem with Romney. However, as a friend of mine brought up, “Do we really want a president named Mitt?” The only other contentions I hear from people and the media is that he is rich and Mormon. Religiously, he can’t do anything negative – even if he wanted to (which I doubt he does). As for being rich, more power to him. Sure, he might not relate to the common man, but the economy is key and he might know a thing or two about that. Besides, his Ken doll features will get more women involved in politics.

John McCain
McCain is old and short. While I have no problem with “little people,” I don’t think it sends the right message to the world community. Personally, I disagree with his social and immigration policies. But I’d feel comfortable voting for him because of his military background. My main concern with him, besides immigration, is his consensus leadership. As a senator, he has taken the middle ground on many issues and hasn’t really stood out as a leader but rather a group thinker.

Fred Thompson
In the interest of disclosure, I should admit that Thompson is my man. He is the only true conservative in the race. The problem has been with his campaign, though. When he has been awake, his message has been inspiring and hopeful. But as soon as he announced his candidacy, polling numbers sank like a lead balloon. I’ll just have to cross my fingers.

Rudy Giuliani
I actually had the chance to meet him during the summer. I must admit that Rudy seems like a really nice guy. However, he is banking too much on the fact that he was the mayor of New York City when Sept. 11, 2001 happened. Sure, he was a great prosecutor lowering crime in NYC, but as mayor, NYC was a sanctuary city. I wonder what he is really going to do for the country. Leading a city is different than leading a country.

Ron Paul
Ron Paul is crazy. Fiscally, he is my kind of guy, but on all other issues I start to wonder what his drug of choice is. The only good thing about Paul is that he has brought an energy to the campaign that is quite refreshing. The sad truth of it, though, is that the revolution is not going to work. It actually failed before it began.

Side note: Why is it that all crazy conservative congressmen come from Texas, are short, balding, have big ears and high-pitched voices?

The Bottom Line
You as a voter have to decide which candidate has the values closest to your own for the primary, not who you think is most electable. Are the options great? No, but they are what we have. When push comes to shove in November, if you are a Republican, you will vote Republican. If you are a Democrat, you will vote Democrat. And if you happen to be somewhere in the middle, your hell is just beginning.

Ian Nachreiner is an agriculture science senior, treasurer for the Cal Poly College Republicans and a Mustang Daily conservative columnist.

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