Ryan Chartrand

If you’re anything like me, you spend countless hours on AOL Instant Messenger. I mean really, why would anybody want to have any kind of face to face interaction with anybody anymore when you can just type to people online instead1? Again, the problem is that with so many other things going on, you might be doing all of your instant messaging wrong. While it may seem impossible to mess something like this up, trust me, you can. Another “Guide to Life” means more learning for you, my loyal reader, as I’m going to teach you the do’s and don’ts of instant messaging.

OK, so first of all, can we stop with all the damn acronyms? Really, all the LOLs and ROFLs and WTFs and TTYLs need to stop. All that crap is a bunch of BS. 2 If you really are too lazy to type those things out, you probably should stop using instant messaging all together and figure something else out. If you really need to use acronyms for everything though, at least make them worthwhile. They really could save some time if you need them too. I don’t know, how about saying stuff like, “YASRILYMH.” Obviously, that one means, “You Are So Right I Love You Mike Heimowitz.” 3 That way, you are saving yourself tons of time by typing all that out, and still able to easily get your message across to whomever you are talking to. I mean ICNBAER?4

Moving on. Patience is a virtue, right? So you should probably try to learn a thing or two about it. If you’re talking to someone and it takes, oh I don’t know, more than a minute to respond, instead of freaking out on them, I think you should probably realize that they are doing something better than talking online. There probably isn’t anything worse than someone complaining how you are ignoring them or forgot about them etc. Most likely they are GTTBOS. 5 Maybe they just GABTEAFTTY. 6 Or, in my case, it probably is TIATOTPTMM. 7

Just a quick point to make – If you’re in college and your screen name still has the number 69 anywhere in it, change it. PSEWAIEGA. 8

How are we doing so far? Good? Good. Let’s talk away messages. I know it might be really cool/emo to put song lyrics for everyone to read, but they should in no way be used to get back at someone you’re mad at. So, if you’re really pissed at someone, it doesn’t mean you should let him and the whole world know it by putting the most depressing, hateful song imaginable for everyone to read. I think we should all be mature enough now to just tell those people we are mad, rather than posting stupid Creed lyrics or whatever other crappy band you listen too. Cheer people up, and put quotes from, oh I don’t know “Mike’s Guide to Life” in your away messages and profiles instead. TWWBSAHP. 9

Well, we talked acronyms, patience, a bit about screen names and away messages. This brings me to the end of another “Guide to Life.” As always, thanks for reading and I hope you learned something about the addicting and damn impersonal instant messaging. So, I’ll leave you with this- GSOTIMSHTAFAKTYAUITRW. 10

1 Just slight sarcasm.
2 How much did that hurt using an acceptable acronym to tell you to stop?
3 Something common you should really start saying.
4 It Can Not Be Any Easier, Right?
5 Going To The Bathroom Or Something.
6 Grabbed A Bite To Eat And Forgot To Tell You.
7 That I Am Talking On The Phone To My Mom.
8 Pretty Self Explanatory We Aren’t In Eighth Grade Anymore.
9 The World Would Be Such A Happier Place.
10 Go Sign On To Instant Messenger, Say Hi To A Friend And Know That You Are Using It The Right Way.

Mike Heimowitz is a journalism senior and Mustang Daily humor columnists. He’ll brb at www.mikeheimowitz.com

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