Daniel Gingras

Do you lose sleep at night, nervously wondering what flavor your semen has to women? Do you frequently invent white lies to calm people’s suspicions about why you are always seen holding a can of Dole pineapple juice? When given fellatio, do you climax and frantically scream, “Do you taste the APPLES?” Neither do I. But surprisingly, there are enough men out there (somewhere) longing to transform themselves into human juice machines to warrant a market.

A handful of “supplement” products (of which the FDA regulates mainly the ingredients, not the claims) claim to alter or enhance the taste of a man’s semen. Most promise either a sweetening effect or taste-similarity to the sugary fruit of choice. “Semenex” is the most notable, having appeared on “The Howard Stern Show” and Hustler Magazine. Testimonials imply that it gives a flavor reminiscent of pumpkin pie. Semenex’s Web site proclaims “Anciently, semen was revered as the magical Elixir Vitae, offering healing and rejuvenation to the adoring female devotees who drank regularly from the male fountain.” Gee, if they are using Latin, it must be ancient, and true. Though Elixir Vitae is probably going to replace the word semen in my vocabulary for the rest of the foreseeable future, I am reminded of another expression, “Caveat emptor,” which means “buyer beware.”

Another big-brand is “Sweet Release,” whose product “Hard Apple” for men promises to infuse your Elixir Vitae with apples, among other effects. Yes, now my lifelong dreams of being able to blast an apple pie out of my peter can finally come true. A testimonial from some guy named Glenn boasted “orgasms became operatic and very vocal” while on the supplement. That’s great, Glenn, that really is: Now I’m picturing the phantom of the opera suddenly bending over and splooging in his pants in the middle of trying to sing “Past the Point of No Return.” As with all products of this nature, disclaimers pepper the advertisements: “This statement has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration”; “This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease”; and in very fine print, “We could sell a red ketchup popsicle to a lady in white gloves.”

The products have little more than fruit powders and vitamins in them, but apparently their ingredients are based on claims about body sweat and body odor which are actually more reputable. Garlic lovers and binge drinkers alike know that things will eventually ooze from your pores when eaten in excess. It’s a fact: Sweat and odor are closely derived from your nutritional habits. Is it a stretch to think nutrition could alter other body fluids too? According to askmen.com, plums, oranges, lemons, limes, cilantro, spearmint, grapefruit, green tea, beer, pineapple, mangoes and camomile tea are all beneficial to scent and flavor. Broccoli, brussels sprouts, spices, coffee, chocolate, cigarettes, asparagus, chemically processed liquor, onions, garlic, dairy products and red meat will have negative effects. Personally, I recall the last time I ate asparagus, and how I nearly suffocated in the bathroom while trying to urinate. Though I am initially skeptical of these products, coming close to blacking out from the fumes of my own urine convinces me that perhaps there is some merit to them.

Still, blowjobs are not such a big part of my life that I plan on changing my diet. If only tortillas were on that list, then I’d already have nectar in my testicles.

For questions, comments or to swap recipes revolving around the pineapple, write to dgingras@calpoly.edu.

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