The Monday Manure is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball.
Madi Taylor is a sociology freshman and a satire columnist for Mustang News. The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang Media Group.
You may have heard of Yik Yak, Cal Poly’s personal anonymous Twitter, where students post their cheeky thoughts, deepest darkest secrets and campus gossip.
Yik Yak connects students through shared experiences, but these days, it’s also a dumping ground for students to share oddly uncomfortable thoughts about themselves and others.
Have you ever wanted to be a celebrity without anybody knowing your name? Have you ever wanted to influence the masses without any major consequences? The answer is obviously yes, so here’s our comprehensive guide so that you can Yak all over everything.
- Build Your Empire, Acquire Yakarma
First, you need to grow your follower base. Come up with a memorable, and definitely off-putting, but still anonymous username. Make sure to post after every major event on campus and complain a LOT. The Yakarma will follow.
- Get Uncomfortably Transparent and Overshare
The best part of Yik Yak is that no one knows who you are, so feel free to let loose to get that engagement. You can talk about anything, from last night at Yosemite Tower Nine to your shameful walk home from it this morning.
Make sure that your post is so unsettling that the person reading it has to pause and wonder what type of person would ever write such a thing and if it could ever be true. As long as a shred of plausibility exists, you can keep people hooked on your outrageous (and likely disgusting) content.
- Weaponize your Roommates Gossip
This is a high-risk, high-reward technique that should only be used by advanced Yakers. When your roommate tells you how the guy she brought home last night is actually the Cal Poly Pisser, make sure the first thing you do is post it on Yik Yak. The occasional name drop is always a crowd pleaser.
To become a truly premier Yik Yaker, weaponize any gossip anyone tells you. Listen in to others’ conversations. Be creepy. This one may damage your relationship with your roommate and literally anyone within earshot of you, but anything for that Yakarma, right?
- Target WOWies, Grubhub Robots and Campus Scooters
While keeping up with the trends is important, don’t forget about the classics. Every upperclassman loves a good WOWie joke. Talk about how stupid you think those campus clankers are, and don’t forget to mention how much you want to push over those damn scooters.
These three groups are always prime targets to Yak on, and its almost guaranteed Yakarma. Tradition is tradition, and it works for a reason.
- Share Your (Questionable) Greek Ranking
This one takes little effort from the Yaker, but it gets all of Greek Life and anyone who has ever gone to the Frats or had an interaction with a sorority girl heated. Just make sure to switch it up, throw some curve balls in there, and it’s a sure way to get a response. A little ragebait never hurt anybody.
- Proof or it didn’t Yakpen
Everyone loves a good visual, yet most average Yakers don’t make enough use of this feature. To stand out, snipe that photo of your WOW Leader a little too close with that WOWie. That boy who lives down the hall from you with the 3rd girl this week? Click. Photos mean proof, and proof gets you more followers.
- Leave Your Target Guessing
Make sure to instill paranoia in the maximum number of people possible. For example, “Just so you guys know, I can see you changing through your window.” That one always gets them.
Here’s another, “If you were on the 2nd Floor of the lib today, I saw what you did.” Be cryptic, this way, everyone wonders, is this about me? Even if the answer is no, it creates a panopticon-like sense of fear they can never escape from.
- Abuse Communal Labor to Achieve Your Goals
At the end of the day, Yik Yak is a tool. The best Yakers use it in all aspects of their life. You need toilet paper, and don’t want to pay for more? Post a Yak stating, “We need the boys to bring three stacks of Carmin Ultra Soft to [Enter location here]. No thin, cheap bullshit. You know who you are.”
The comments will be flooded with pledges trying to figure out who this anonymous Pledge Master is talking to. Either way, whichever group decides it’s theirs, you will have your soft, white, and plush delivery in a timely manner.
- When Upset, Embody Satan
Didn’t like the way the VGs worker looked at you? Bash them on Yik Yak. You got dropped by your favorite sorority? Update that ranking on Yik Yak. Act as close to Satan as possible when someone wrongs you.
Under no circumstances can you take into consideration whether or not your parents, friends, mentors or anybody in your real life would be proud of your Yak.
Remember, Yik Yak is anonymous, so your actions actually don’t have consequences. (Until your roommate reports you to the school for bullying, then you might have wanted to watch what you said.)
At the end of the day, becoming a professional Yik Yaker is not for the clout, but instead the legacy you leave behind. At the same time, it is also very much about the clout. Be memorable. Be playful. Yak on everything.