The Manure is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball.
Malia Mundy is a journalism junior and a satire columnist for Mustang News. The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang Media Group.
It’s no secret that horned-up freshmen are likely to crap where they eat. The hormones and excitement that surround dorm-dwellers are bound to cause some incest in freshman year living spaces. From yakʔitʸutʸu to Muir, North Mountain to Yosemite, no dorm goes unscathed by the looming presence of an awkward hook-up who lives in the same building as you.
Because of this universal struggle to navigate dormcest, here is a list of Do’s and Don’ts to help you out.
Do: Get with their roommate to draw more positive attention to yourself. Having something in common with roommates is a great way to have an in for your real person of interest, even if it’s shared sexual proclivities.
Don’t: Use a burner account on Instagram to stalk their mom. Put it out there in the open and follow their family on social media! There is no need to secretly stalk this individual when you could simply put yourself out there and refuse to play games.
Do: Ding-dong-ditch them every night. At some point, they are going to have to figure out who is playing this sexy little game. Never mind restful sleep, the politics of dormcest beckon a cheeky knock.
Don’t: Try to hang out with them sober. Listen: nobody wants to hike the P, stroll the farmers market or spend any sort of quality time with somebody they are romantically interested in without some social lubricant. Just stick to the basics: liquid courage and slurred words.
Do: Lurk around the bathroom and learn their schedule. When they go to brush their teeth, brush your teeth. When they shower, you shower. When they use the bathroom, use the stall directly next to them. It will create a sense of intimacy they can’t ignore.
Don’t: Return their clothes. Flaunt that t-shirt everywhere you go. #yolo
Do: Get belligerently drunk and text them at least 15-20 times when you are out on the town. They will most definitely find it charming and spend the following days waiting at the entrance of your dorm for you with open arms.
Don’t: Have an honest and mature conversation about how to navigate the emotionally challenging task of being a college freshman in a romantic involvement with a person you see on a regular basis, and how to respect one another’s boundaries and feelings moving forward.
Do: Take them on a VGs date. Nothing is more precious than two individuals awkwardly dining over shared Mingle mush, exchanging one or two words per minute. You might even have the privilege of running into people you know!
Unfortunately, dormcest has an expiration period of one year. So if you want to get in on the action, the time is now! Sure, you run the chance of seeing them for the next four years (especially if they’re in the same major, or friend groups or clubs…) but nothing brings people closer than living in the same building! Don’t let the moment pass you by!