Editor's note:
The Manure is Mustang News’ satire content. JDAWG SAYS is a satirical advice column written by a Mustang News staff member. This content is intended to be satirical and does not necessarily represent the views of Mustang News.
A shopping cart full of classes you don’t want to take. A few hours of scrolling through your degree progress and not really knowing what anything means. A sprinkle of optimism that you’ll get a new class crush. The recipe is clear: registration season is upon us.
Cal Poly keeps admitting more and more students but doesn’t want to offer more classes. This enrollment growth math means it’s next to impossible to get what you need, let alone what you want. JDAWG’s got some tips for you to consider as your enrollment date looms.
Email Jeffy for an earlier enrollment
This solution is the most clear: Just email the university president telling him to: 1) stop over-enrolling students on our campus and 2) request an earlier registration time. Contact him or the secretary he chains to her desk by emailing presidentsoffice@calpoly.edu.
Have your mom call advising
You’re probably too busy to stop by a drop-in advising appointment – and good luck even making an appointment before April. No one can complain like a semi-retired helicopter mom with a spoiled kid in need of help. Sure, you may be a junior behind on degree progress, but your mom complaining on the phone to a minimum-wage peer advisor will assuredly help.
Sabotage your major friends
The people you share homework answers with are the same people you are competing with in the registration Hunger Games arena. Snap their laptops in half. Give them the flu. Let their dogs loose. Do whatever it takes.
Hack the system
Get into the back end and update your enrollment slot. Also, check your ex’s and opp’s grades. Because why not?
Gaslight yourself
You don’t even need classes, honestly. It’s not that deep. It never was that deep. Do you even need a degree these days? Just vibe code your way to an app that will give you passive income and go about your day.
Drop out tbh
JDAWG has always had a really early registration time, so this isn’t really my problem. But a lot of my friends are in the trenches. If you don’t have it in you, that’s your problem. Figure it out or drop out.