Credit: Sam Shin | Mustang News

The Hoof is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. Hannah Benson is a journalism senior and satire columnist. The views represented do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang News.

The California State University (CSU) system is asking for more money, again. The announcement reported the arrival of another health fee increase for Cal Poly students to fund the CSU’s new campaign to end mental illness forever. The main focus of the “Just Don’t Worry” campaign is the distribution of stress balls to each member of the student body. The balls are labeled with different phrases, such as “Don’t Be Sad” and “You Should Go Outside.” 

“We are so thrilled to have students fund us, so we can provide the modern technology to fix those affected by mental illness,” CSU administrator Justin Hale said. 

Hale is spearheading the campaign and said he hopes to implement it in a couple of other schools, specifically in Northern California. The CSU system is not currently concerned with Southern California students, as they experience year-round sunshine and therefore don’t need additional help. 

“I’m so excited for the students,” Hale said. “I have never experienced a panic attack before, and my appetite isn’t affected by hopelessness, but just holding that squishy ball I couldn’t dream of being anything but happy.”

Along with stress balls, the “Just Don’t Worry” campaign aims to implement more signs pointing to the Rec Center to advocate more exercise across campus. All hydration stations will be labelled “It’s All in Your Head, Just Drink Water.” 

Meanwhile, therapy dogs will be stationed in every building on campus, 24-hours a day. 

“I remember how dejected I felt when Counseling Services told me ‘We can’t help you,’” very stressed student Rory Bueller said. “I get it, they don’t have enough resources due to funding, but then I heard about golden retrievers in Baker . . . I felt better for about three minutes.”

The CSU administrators have already reached out to Bueller to become the face of campaign. 

“Since mental illness among college students will be finished after the campaign’s implementation, students can use the stress balls to play fetch with the dogs who absorbed all the mental illness,” Hale said. “I could use scientific terminology here, but I don’t really understand how therapy dogs work.”

As responsible members of the community, the university states it is “crucial” for students to support the campaign or else Oprah won’t call San Luis Obispo the “Happiest City in America” next year, and that’s just sad. 

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