Have you noticed that the pungent stench of nature is a little stronger today than it was yesterday? That’s because today is Arbor Day, a filthy holiday celebrated by filthy people. Traditionally, an Arbor Day celebration consists of planting a tree in any location or for art majors, planting some magic in the ground (that’s a bud seed for you squares). But wait, faithful Mustang Daily reader, don’t let radical left-wing fringe groups like Greenpeace, the Dallas Cowboys, or China (the country) tell you what to plant, because all they’re doing is growing the ideals of communism in your Freedom Brain.
Karl Marx once said, “The only thing better than sitting under a giant oak tree is reading my book, “The Communist Manifesto,” now available at Crown Books everywhere.” He later went on to explain the ideals of communism, illustrated by his use of the “Red” wood. “The trunk of the all-powerful Red wood represents the governmental structure, and the thousands of leaves upon the branches of economic equality represent the glorious proletariat.” We’ll tell you what, the Two Classy Gents are sick of all this pinko talk, and we’re gonna let freedom ring by the roar of the chainsaw.
Trees affect society on a daily basis, seen most notably in urban locales like San Francisco and New York. Thousands of homeless people beg for change, scare you from bushes and smell bad, bringing the potential of an effulgent human civilization down to the filthy grounds they sleep on. These cities which feature large parks breed homeless people, literally. It’s been proven by science: Trees are in parks and parks have homeless people in them. Our suggestion: Cut down every tree you see and use the wood to build some badass nunchucks to beat up hippies.
Our major problems with trees are not only hobo-related. Trees are the laziest life form on the earth and photosynthesis is not an excuse. If you want to see trees in action, simply watch the second installment of the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy. In this film, trees can be seen kicking ass and taking names, and shortly thereafter puffing on some peace pipes. These trees are badass and Mother Nature should take note.
Trees are only useful when they’re dead. Fifteen hundred trees are chopped down daily to create the Mustang Daily. For our article alone, 2.7 rainforests have been eliminated in Guatemala to create a synthesis of slightly witty puns (see pp. 2 sent. 2) and random pop-culture references. Also, log cabins are pretty badass and usually, pretty badass people live in them.
We’re sick of hippies, gypsies and wusses alike complaining about things in general. We think things are going pretty badass and the only way they’re gonna get cooler is by cutting down some trees. If Marx illustrated the usefulness of communism through trees, and communism has failed miserably, then we can say, with the aid of science, that trees will lead to our demise.
Earth Day, you’re next.
Classy: Calling things badass, but only if you’re a badass.
Uncouth: The Eye of Sauron, for being a voyeuristic pervert.
Mike Matzke and Doug Bruzzone are two classy gents and Mustang Daily columnists.