Douglas B. Bruzzone and Michael Matzke

As you may or may not be aware, faithful Mustang Daily reader, the Two Classy Gents often get a chance to sample cinema’s finer pleasures weeks or even months before they come out. Perhaps you are asking, “Who are you to compare the two best movies of the year? Who do you think you are, Gene Siskel?” Look, if Ben Affleck won an Oscar, we can do whatever we want. Also, we’re better than Siskel because we’re alive and he’s dead.

This week, we previewed movies about our two favorite topics: snakes and Dan Brown.

If you haven’t seen previews for either of these movies, we will sum up the major plot points of each film. “The Da Vinci Code” is based on a popular novel written by the Shakespeare of our time, Dan Brown. Amidst church conspiracies and religious fantacism, one man must uncover the secret truth of Jesus’ bloodline. In “Snakes On A Plane,” there is a plane, and it’s full of snakes.

Cast credibility

“The Da Vinci Code” is headlined by an all-star cast which includes two-time Oscar winner Tom Hanks, the beautiful Audrey Tautou, the accomplished Ian McKellan, and a most-likely-to-be-evil-in-this-movie Alfred Molina. “Snakes On A Plane” features the always-pissed-about-things Samuel L. Jackson, and people who might have appear as extras in the “Cinemax After-Dark” line of films.

Advantage: “The Da Vinci Code”

Screenplay

We noted above that “The Da Vinci Code” is based upon a book written by acclaimed writer, theorist and also alchemist, Dan Brown. Brown’s book truly turns the film adaptation into pure gold. He put a lot of work into the book, and although he didn’t write it (or so reports say), it is great nonetheless. “Snakes On A Plane,” however, was adapted from the Goosebumps novel “Snakes In My Locker!” Since these are the two most popular books Cal Poly students have read, and in many cases the only books, moviegoers should feel free to reacquainte themselves with them before the film.

Advantage: “The Da Vinci Code”

Number of snakes

Let’s start of by saying there are a lot of snakes in “Snakes On A Plane.” However, upon closer inspection, the film editors have cleverly re-used the same snake in all scenes involving a snake. The Da Vinci Code also has one snake, but it’s a lot bigger, and it appears in Tom Hanks’ pants.

Advantage: Tom Hanks’ penis

Length of movie

The Two Classy Gents are fans of movies on the shorter end, with plotlines like “Will She Buy The Minivan” or “Don’t Get Herpes Please.” We’re sad to say that “The Da Vinci Code” is over six hours long, though we understand because every one of Brown’s words are read by either actors or Morgan Freeman’s riveting narration. “Snakes On A Plane” takes the original trailer from the movie and re-edits it, with an ending that promotes the sequel of the film, “Snakes on Air Force One.” The sequel features the original “Air Force One” movie, re-edited with enhanced snake graphics.

Advantage: “Snakes On A Plane”

Classy: TomKat’s baby, because we heard it’s part of L. Ron Hubbard’s secret bloodline. Note: this movie will be made when everyone converts to Scientology. Get crackin’ disciples!

Uncouth: Jesus’ secret bloodline, because it’s a secret and you weren’t supposed to tell anyone, stupid!

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