The Monday Manure is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball.
Ani Nazarian is an English sophomore and satire columnist for Mustang News. The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang Media Group.
Starting in 2026, Cal Poly’s admissions process will no longer be based on academic achievement, extracurriculars, or hours of community service. As of today, all Cal State schools have agreed to replace the admissions process with a Hunger Games competition!
Each student must submit an application to only one college in order to participate. Each of Cal Poly’s six academic colleges plans to accept 1000 students, with the exception of the College of Engineering, which plans to accept 2 new students. Professors from each student’s applied department will mentor them prior to the games, and wealthy alumni will have pledged to sponsor the event.
Cal Poly’s arena will be held in Poly Canyon Village, with the cornucopia providing useful items, including a map with specified WiFi locations and printers (of course with the cost of $.50 per page). Any suspected use of ChatGPT or AI will be grounds for the prospective student to be eliminated on sight. Surviving students are accepted!
Universities are becoming more selective as the years go on. Perfect 9.0 GPAs just aren’t considered special anymore. But keep up the effort, and remember Cal Poly’s “Learn By Doing” when you’re in the arena, fellow (potential) Mustangs!