Credit: Sam Shin | Mustang News

The Hoof is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball. Ha. Puns.

 Hannah Benson is a journalism senior and satire columnist. The views represented do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang News.


Once again, the Mustangs have been labeled the “Best” by a website that no one quite understands, but that your mom always posts about on Facebook when she mentions the institution taking all your money.

The U.S. News and World Report announced it’s yearly university rankings with Cal Poly , San Luis Obispo securing the top spot in the “Coolest” category. This report was released shortly after a link to a pornography site was found on the university’s College of Business website. Those in charge of the rankings cited this to be “no coincidence.”

“We originally were going to give it to all the California community colleges who are now tuition-free and understand the impact of education, but then we watched  — I mean heard, about Cal Poly’s porn and we thought, ‘Yeah, pretty cool,’” U.S. News and World Report spokesperson Rich Whitemen said.

This is the first time the university has ranked in the “Top 100 Coolest” in all its history. Meanwhile, Cal Poly’s typical high achievements in the “Best Regional Universities West” and “Best Undergraduate Engineering Programs” have plummeted due to all the scandals attempted to be covered up and that New York Times article that was super telling of the campus climate. But, at least the school has porn.

“At first, we were expecting the rankings’ loss to be a P.R. disaster, but the porn saved us,” said so many administration members that I lost track of all the names — everyone wanted to tell me this.

An appreciation for the porn site is shared by the student body as well. A previous label, such as, “#1 in Top Public Schools” is seen as an inadequate excuse during times of social injustice.

“Finally!” business senior Amy Beershack said. “I’m so proud to be a Mustang! After four years, the school is actually standing for something I believe in: sexual liberation.”

After the success in the virtual world, Cal Poly is now looking to implement porn on campus with viewings in the University Union and the fifth floor of the Library. Stay cool, Mustang Nation.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *