The Manure is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball.

Malia Mundy is a journalism junior and a satire columnist for Mustang News. The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang Media Group.

The Cal Poly Commencement Office has recently released its shortlist of 2026 commencement speakers and is seeking student and community feedback. 

“We take pride in finding speakers that truly encapsulate the Cal Poly experience,” said Chairwoman Katrina Forss. “We spent the last six months scouring Reddit, YikYak and admitted students’ Instagram pages to find the perfect candidate.” 

Option 1: Big Larry

A self-proclaimed “Slolebrity,” Big Larry was selected as the top choice for commencement speakers. He has aided a plethora of college students in vital transportation services and has a large social media presence which has been known to elevate reputations around town. The board believes he would speak to the Cal Poly graduating class as long as he could get a selfie for his Instagram afterwards. 

Option 2: The person you always saw around but never met

They were there when you first strolled around campus with your WOW wristband on. They locked eyes with you when you dredged home after flunking your first final. They passed you by the Rec. You literally could not go four days without seeing them somewhere. 

What’s their name? You’ll never know. Time to learn something about them through their commencement speech. 

Option 3: The professor who rounded your grade and saved your GPA

This professor watched you struggle. Whether it be statistics, soil science or psychology, we all had a class that beat us when we were already down. But like a phoenix rising from the ashes, that one special professor allowed you to round up a grade letter and avoid a text to your mom about how you failed a class. They would absolutely have banger advice to bestow on the graduating class. 

Option 4: Your absolutely horrific freshman roommate

Who knows Cal Poly better than the guy who woke you up every morning at 6 a.m. to work out in your dorm room? He made passive-aggressive comments about your weight and clearly is an expert in every discipline… ever. That makes him beyond qualified to tell graduates how to spend the rest of their lives. 

Option 5: The niche server from Sally Lou’s you had a crush on

He looks like a re-imagined version of the 2019 skater-boy aesthetic the internet swooned over. Flowers bloom where he walks, and he hangs the moon and stars. The niche Sally Lou’s server has become majorly important to the Cal Poly ecosystem. Could he be the next speaker? Or could this be Stockholm syndrome to the Sally Lou’s loco moco burrito he regularly feeds you?

Option 6: Blake Manning

Screw it. Why not Blake Manning? 

Option 7: Frog and Peach bouncer 

If anyone has a good read on the graduating class, it’s the bouncer who witnessed them blacking out all of spring quarter. Armed with the ability to make or break a senior’s night with one scan of their I.D. — or is he checking you out? — he has his finger on the pulse of the Cal Poly graduates. 

For more stories from the Grad print edition, check out the featured print section on our website.