JDAWG SAYS is a satirical advice column written by a Mustang News staff member. This content is intended to be satirical and does not necessarily represent the views of Mustang News.
I’m proud to say I will be walking across the stage at the very last June commencement ceremony at Cal Poly. That’s history. A lot is changing around here. Hello semesters and goodbye PolyTime. Hello Maritime Academy and goodbye JDAWG.
I bet you won’t even recognize Cal Poly come fall.
But with all these shifts in history, here are some more things I think should change.
No more scooters
I’m just trying to walk to Front Porch from class and then bam! I feel a breeze in my hair from a scooter propelling down Perimeter Road. The stank of some basketball player after practice filling the air. My life flashes before my eyes. Get rid of these dang scooters.
No more liberal studies
What do you mean we’re studying liberals? This that woke California stuff my grandparents warned me about. I think it’s about time we get into the conservative studies. Did you ever think of that?
Bye, bye, Grubhub robot
America has an obesity problem, and we’re letting students just rot into their dorm room beds. Get out into the world and walk the 200 feet to Vista Grande for your Streets burrito. Maybe even trek to Einstein’s at PCV.
Get rid of campus food
Because it sucks.
Also get rid of the football team
Because they suck.
No more mustaches, boots and dip
We’ve had enough. I know, I know, I make fun of performative and conservative men a lot, but this is serious. Shave your upper lip, stop shoving up there and stop clacking your boots. Please. It’s getting corny and embarrassing.
Who reads those books in the library
Let’s be really raw and real, clap if you’ve ever looked at one of those books. Notice how it’s real quiet in here because everyone just walks past those shelves. Now, imagine if all those shelves turned into more seating. That would be a renovation I could get behind.
Block the dating apps
The Cal Poly wifi people in the IT department need to do some good for the community and add Tinder, Hinge and Grindr to the no-fly list. These apps do treacherous things for the campus, and students need to learn how to have real conversations in real life. That’s Learn by Doing at its finest.
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