The Manure is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball.
This piece was written by a rotational satire columnist for Mustang News. The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang Media Group.
On Tuesday night, our great, possibly the greatest ever, leader President Jeffrey D. Armstrong got up on the podium to address the wonderful students of Cal Poly.
People clapped. People stood up. Some people didn’t, and those people were immediately exiled to Cal Maritime.
He bravely began the speech, his doting Vice Provost punctuating every sentence with a standing ovation.
“My, I mean your, university is on the brink of an epic milestone,” Armstrong said. “On March 8, the hallowed grounds of this institution will be 125 years old.”
The audience roared. A few people cried.
“We are doing better and better,” President Armstrong said. “We are doing the best we’ve ever done. And we’ve done it by doing. Learn by doing!”
Frat boys wept tears of joy and hugged. A few of them kissed.
“Today, our campus is secure like never before,” Leader Armstrong said. “We only let the most beautiful people in. Depression has decreased by 100%. Murder has decreased by 200%. The crooked faculty is getting the pay it deserves. The administrators have increased profits by 100%. And, there’s no inflation.”
Everyone cheered. Nobody knew what inflation was.
“More students are getting degrees at Cal Poly than anywhere else,” Sir Armstrong said. “We have the most students in the history of the American college system. And our sports are the best ever. Our football team just won the gold medal against Canada. And Canada is great, I’ve met them myself. Great country, great people, but not as great as us.”
The token Canadian in the audience frowned. Everyone else spontaneously belted the national anthem 12 times in a row, uninterrupted.
“I have made great sacrifices for Cal Poly, possibly the greatest any president has ever made,” the Honorable Armstrong said. “Because of these sacrifices, I decided to reward myself with a 20% pay increase. I know you, my loyal followers, would’ve wanted this for me. It was a difficult decision, but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make for you!”
Administrators glanced up from emailing to admire their selfless monarch.
“I talked to a student today,” award-winning university pioneer Armstrong said. “A business major, Trey. Some of you might know him, great guy. I asked him how he’s been so successful at Cal Poly. He said ‘Well, it’s pretty niche. It’s called dropshipping. I sit in my dorm all day and buy products. And then I sell them to other people.’ Pretty amazing story. That’s called the American dream.”
OCOB students threw their baseball hats in the air and fist-bumped.
“Outstanding students like Trey are one of the reasons for our economic turnaround,” His Majesty Armstrong said. “Despite Newsom’s attempts to crush our budget and our spirit, we stayed resilient. The California government was ripping us off badly. You know it. Everyone knows it. Even the Cal Poly Democrats know it. But I made deals and now they’re happy. Everyone said, ‘Jeffrey, how did you do it?’ And I said, ‘Because I told them how it had to be. I said Gavin, pay up.’ And he did.”
The crowd cheered. A few people set fire to a strawman model of Newsom.
“Has anyone else served Cal Poly the same way?” Most Respected Armstrong said.
The crowd thought for a second. He answered for them before they could resort to asking ChatGPT.
“Doubt it. And how did I do it? I put Cal Poly first. I love Cal Poly, and Cal Poly loves me. We were a dead university, but now we are the hottest university anywhere in the world. The hottest,” King Armstrong said.
All the hot people looked around and nodded.
“The hottest university, with the hottest president,” Eternal Supreme Leader Armstrong said.