They have returned and they are coming for us all. They have gathered in numbers greater than ever before. This time, they intend to leave no survivors. Stay away from your television at all times to avoid their attempts to brainwash your feeble mind. If this means missing The O.C., then prepare to make many sacrifices. Films based on video games have little room for mercy, and they will stop at nothing to see you cry.
The next few years could be the most uninviting era for movie theaters. Mankind has learned countless numbers of times that history repeats itself. Therefore, if mankind is ever to progress, the existence of video game adaptations must cease to exist. It seems with every passing day there is another video game adaptation announced. The list of titles is impressive, but the thought of each as an adaptation is simply wrong. Among the most recently announced adaptations are Metroid, Rainbow Six, BloodRayne, Far Cry, Halo, Hitman, Splinter Cell, Silent Hill and Dead or Alive. If reading any of these titles reminds you of joyous memories or perhaps even brings tears to your eyes, be sure to hold on to “the good ol’ days” before directors like Uwe Boll (House of the Dead, BloodRayne, Far Cry) tear them apart. That is, of course, unless one of them accidentally gets it right.
The more I stare at the list, the more depressing it becomes. “I’m sure most of them won’t be too bad,” I say to myself while drowning in denial. Aside from the undeniably talented director Uwe Boll, a man who would cast Vin Diesel as Luigi if he could, there really isn’t much to behold on the list of directors. John Woo, the director of The Rundown and anything else labeled “inferior” starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, will be directing both Rainbow Six and Metroid. Envisioning Metroid in live action is befuddling enough on its own, let alone understanding how the man who ruined the Mission: Impossible sequel stands any chance at making an adaptation (similar to a sequel) believable or entertaining.
How about best out of three? Sure, how about Peter Jackson and Halo. Wait, Peter Jackson?! Halo?! Don’t get too excited little Timmy; he’s only producing it. The director is yet to be named and the amount of Peter Jackson’s blood, sweat and tears that will go into Halo is as unpredictable as who will play the great Master Chief. While Halo may be the one bright, shining light of hope that we can all dream about, this innocent adaptation is greatly outnumbered by the easily predictable “screen stainers” that are almost complete.
Rather than continuing in the theme of mankind’s regression, I’d like to make this next bit of white space useful and worthwhile. Alas, I give you my message to any filmmaker planning on bringing a video game adaptation into a theater that I might unfortunately step into:
Please follow these three rules when making an adaptation and I promise to lay down the $7.50 to see it:
1. Do not, under any circumstances, use a known actor. No-name actors have played all of the greatest characters in films and it should remain that way.
2. If CGI and special effects are the only way to create your vision of the game, either spend millions of dollars or pick a different game.
3. If the game includes violence, make it R-rated. Don’t sell-out to reach more audiences; video game adaptations already make little money because of their reputation. If you want the respect of a gamer, you will recreate the game the way it should be done.
Beware, fellow screeners. The era of darkness is already upon us and the end is still blurred in countless announcements. Stay strong, stay alert and most importantly, stay away from anyone that thought Doom was the best film of 2005.