The Manure is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball.
Madi Taylor is a sociology freshman and a satire columnist for Mustang News. The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang Media Group.
There’s nothing quite like being home for the holidays, especially Thanksgiving. The smell of freshly-baked pumpkin pie, a house full of family and your parents immediately reminding you why you left in the first place.
By now, you’ve packed your bags, bought your train ticket and are left wondering: What now? Well, congratulations — you’re officially going home for Thanksgiving. The place where time stands still, boundaries disappear and everyone suddenly has opinions about your haircut.
It’s time to pretend to be grateful (again)! Here is everything that might ruin your break, in our highly-scientific “What to Expect Going Home for Thanksgiving” guide.
Homecoming (Reminder: Boundaries are Theoretical)
Get excited for the warm embrace of home — and by “embrace,” I mean an assault of microaggressions, backhanded compliments, criticism and unsolicited life advice.
The train ride home is your last chance to flip up your septum ring, hide your vape and rethink those self-cut bangs (it’s too late now, the damage is done). Take a deep breath and practice your answers to “So, do you have a boyfriend yet?” and “Are you eating?”
Once you’re home, your mom immediately says, “You look so… different.” She might be smiling, but all she’s really thinking is: You’ve made choices, and I’m working very hard to not scream. Why do you look like a barista from Portland?
Meanwhile, your dad hits you with the dreaded, “So, how are classes going?” and suddenly you’re explaining why a D in STAT 218 is actually “not that bad, statistically speaking.” (It’s not your fault you had to go out to the frats every weekend.)
Newsflash: You’re 17 Again
Within 10 minutes at home, you’ve mentally regressed back to high school — slamming doors, sighing dramatically for no apparent reason and declaring that “no one understands you in this house.” It’s not your fault; your childhood home emits some kind of emotional immaturity.
Be prepared: when your younger sibling takes your spot on the couch, you will enter a rage usually reserved for parking tickets and Canvas errors. Within seconds, you’re arguing over who “called it first” and threatening to move out (again). Some things never change.
Things cool down until you see them wearing your shirt and realize they raided your closet while you were away. At least three times a day, your mom yells, “Will you two just quit it?!”
The High School Reunion
You’ve made it to the annual Thanksgiving break mini high school reunion. This could go two ways: either a heartwarming night of reminiscing and laughter, or a speedrun of how quickly people can revert to their high school idiosyncrasies.
You drive your old car, still smelling like late-night McDonald’s runs and senior year panic. You park in the same spot you always did. If you’re lucky, you all laugh and fall back into the same patterns. Despite going to seven different schools in four different states, everybody has an eerily similar story about a weird guy who lives down the hall and a night at Sigma Nu they would rather forget.
You find comfort in the fact that no one’s really changed much at all. Except maybe that one girl who got pregnant while at Arizona State University (she might have changed).
Spoiled Brat Moment
You leave the reunion realizing maybe adulthood isn’t that fun. Good thing you’re headed back home, where your parents treat you like you’re five.
For one glorious week, you don’t have to worry about finding an empty washing machine. At home, some mystical force carries your dirty clothes straight to the washer and returns them to your closet in no time.
Your parents’ house also hosts an all-you-can-pack shopping spree. Running low on Band-Aids back on campus? Raid that medicine cabinet. Need some new moisturizer? Just grab Mom’s. The best thing to remember is that you can take literally anything. So if you see Dad’s wallet sitting so patiently on the counter, grab that $20 bill (it’s not stealing if they love you).
The Adult Table: Political Hell
It’s finally D-Day. You’ve been summoned from hibernation in your room, and it’s time to set the table — the only thing anyone trusts you with on Thanksgiving. This year, you’re being promoted to the adult table.
Congratulations? While that may sound fancy, it’s less of an honor and more of a punishment. Gone are the carefree days of sneaking away for early dessert. Now you’re trapped between Uncle Billy and his “just-asking-questions” politics. He will share some deeply misguided thoughts, and if at any point he starts a sentence with “I’m not racist, but…” immediately flee to the bathroom without a word.
“You know who’s really running this country…,” he says between awfully large spoonfuls of mashed potatoes. Not even a plate full of dry turkey and two pounds of gravy can save you. Suddenly, the kids’ table doesn’t look so bad anymore.
Going SLOme
By Black Friday, you are beyond ready to head back to Cal Poly. Still, you can’t help but feel a little bit sad when it’s time to go, being a little spoiled brat can be nice. Maybe you didn’t hate your hometown as much as you thought.
But don’t worry. Once you’re back on campus, you won’t ever believe you voluntarily went home. Go hug those roommates and welcome back SLOme!
This story originally appeared in a printed newspaper on Nov. 12. For more stories from the November print edition check out the featured print section on our website or the full edition.