The Manure is Mustang News’ satire content. JDAWG SAYS is a satirical advice column written by a Mustang News staff member. This content is intended to be satirical and does not necessarily represent the views of Mustang News.
Gather around, Professor JDAWG’s class is in session.
Goonmogging (noun) /goon-mog/
The concept of goonmogging comes from two root ideas: to goon and to mog. I’ll spare you the NSFW definition of gooning, but it boils down to generally wasting time. Mogging on the other hand is clear — to out-do someone so clearly that even their mom would vote for you in a competition of life.
We should all strive to goonmog everyday. In other words, we have no voice in our government and college is a scam and the AI is going to take our jobs. So why not lay around all day wasting time?
Here are some ways to waste time better than everyone else:
WINE TASTING
The tannins are crisp on the cab from the slightly colder region of San Luis Obispo compared to the hotter climate of Paso. Bruh. Spend four hours listening to this when you thought you would be doing homework all day, and you have officially maxxed out the goon of even the laziest of people.
DOOMSCROLL AT A COFFEE SHOP
You tell your roommates you’re going to do homework, but we all know your real plans are to mog everyone’s goon around you. They are trying to look like they’re wasting time, but you do it so effortlessly by scrolling on your phone in three-minute intervals and drinking that $8.50 iced matcha.
PROTEST
Girl, I hate to say it, but at this point your creative sign is not stopping Trump or ICE or the fossil fuel machine. This is, on the other hand, a great way to goonmog all your followers. Post a picture from the protest, and they will surely be jealous of your stylistic ability to waste time.
VAPE
Your little USB stick that has Tetris on it does not do anything for you. Honestly, any nicotine product — Zyns and cigs included — are just pure goonmog material. Smoking a little mary jane is at least semi-productive and kind of mogmogging to an extent. So keep that vape on lock if you want to mog everyone’s goon at the Frog goon sesh.
REALITY TV
Watching TV with no plot except screaming and bickering is clearly goonmog central. You get nothing out of it and lose some brain cells in the process. But, if you’re a straight man and want to goonmog to the maxx, put on a baseball game. Now, that’s a real waste of time.
WRITE SATIRE
JDAWG is lowkey goonmaxxing and mogging every single one of you. The concept of JDAWG was born as a means of procrastination, and I take this very seriously. I could be using this time to apply for jobs or fold my laundry. Yet, here we are.