The Manure is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball.
Malia Mundy is a journalism junior and a satire columnist for Mustang News. The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang Media Group.
On the morning of Thursday, November 7, Cal Poly’s Kennedy Library was consumed by a glowing black orb.
After being under renovation for over two years and reopening in September 2025, the Kennedy Library is unavailable once again, due to an all-consuming, opaque black mass that has overtaken the building.
While the origins of the black orb are yet unknown, some students are speculating that it’s the university’s karmic retribution for shutting down a record number of dorm parties over Halloweekend. Anonymous sources also speculate it may be the result of curses from Etsy witches, commissioned by sorority girls devastated by Sequel Tea replacing the Campus Market Starbucks.
All students inside the library at the time of the incident were also consumed by the orb. In the following days, reports of excessive body odor in the engineering quad have plummeted.
The surviving nerds who still want to study have raised concerns about the lack of study spaces on campus.
Cal Poly has responded, saying that while the library is inhibited by the orb, students should redirect to other study-hubs on campus, like the UU or 1901. The university has also offered pop-up tents, similar to those they provided for the duration of the library’s renovation.
Brett Juncaj, a business administration junior, embraces this concept. “Students love to feel like termites in a fumigation tent while they cram for midterms, ” Juncaj said. “Some people complain about the heat or humidity or fan noise or smell or horrible vibe. But for me it just helps me focus.”
Most of the students complaining are starry-eyed freshmen who subscribed to the promise of a beautiful, renovated library for their time in college. When Mikayla Swanson, a communications senior, was asked about the unavailability of the library, she responded, “We had a library?”
Cal Poly stated that rather than address that black orb, they would prefer to keep the majority of their time and budget focused on protecting the still-in-construction John Madden Mega Football Awesomeness Training Center. Additionally, a university spokesperson said that they are prioritizing increasing the firework budget for Big Fall Welcome and raising the compensation package for Paul “the Ripples Guy.”.
Administration has introduced plans for a new library to be constructed starting in 2027, with an expected project completion date of 2099.