The Monday Manure is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball.
Zach Berston is a journalism senior and a satire columnist for Mustang News. The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang Media Group.
Students enrolled in Dr. Finkle’s Intro to Statistical Reasoning class were shocked to learn that her advertised office hours, listed on the syllabus as “Mondays -3 to 46 p.m.,” do not correspond to any comprehensible time in our dimensional plane.
“I’ve been outside her door every Monday for three weeks,” said Dwayne Johnson, a finance sophomore. “All I’ve seen is a ripped sticky note that says ‘Be right back :P’ and a faint humming noise, kinda like an ancient curse.”
Sources confirm that the professor has never been physically observed entering or exiting her office, but occasionally leaves behind cryptic notes such as “Check the syllabus!” and “Reality is a construct. You only exist to feed the void.”
University administrators defended the practice, saying that office hours “are more of a philosophical thought experiment than a scheduled interaction.”
Students were observed forming a ritual circle outside Dr. Finkle’s door, burning their textbooks on a pentagram in hopes of summoning her corporeal form.