“Of course we’re proud,” said Gertrude, while aggressively vacuuming the carpet in a zigzag pattern. “She’s the first in the family to get a B.A. in Medieval Painting Discussion with a minor in Thinking about Stuff. She’s been working so hard, you know, at figuring herself out.”
Author Archives: Zach Berston
Posted inMNTV
Sweet Start: Blueberry Festival debuts at SLO Ranch Farms
SLO Ranch Farms recently held the first ever SLO Blueberry Festival with hundreds of attendees showing out to the soon-to-be yearly tradition. Reporter Zach Berston take us to the event.
Posted inMonday Manure - Satire
Student receives financial aid but immediately returns it to seem poor and relatable
After receiving her financial aid check for spring quarter, journalism junior Chella Garbanzo immediately returned the full amount, referencing a desire to maintain her identity as “a struggling college student with authentic vibes.”
Posted inMonday Manure - Satire
Marc Cabeliza elected as first-ever ASI Pope
As white smoke billowed out of the chimneys of the University Union, the crowds in front stood silent as they realized that the first-ever ASI Pope had been selected.
Posted inMNTV
SLO Climate Coalition holds annual Earth Fest
The San Luis Obispo Climate Coalition held the annual Earth Fest at Meadow Park this past Saturday. The event brings together local vendors and nonprofits to educate the community on environmental matters. Mustang News reporter Zach Berston spoke with attendees of the event to learn more about what San Luis Obispo is doing to protect […]
Posted inMonday Manure - Satire
Professor’s office hours confirmed to exist purely as a concept
Students enrolled in Dr. Finkle’s Intro to Statistical Reasoning class were shocked to learn that her advertised office hours, listed on the syllabus as “Mondays -3 to 46 p.m.,” do not correspond to any comprehensible time in our dimensional plane.
Posted inMonday Manure - Satire
Student in mental counseling after saying “You too” to a professor who wished them good luck on their midterm
Cal Poly freshman Herbert Van Jeffy is confirmed through new reports to be locked in a psychiatric ward after saying something so absurd that he could only be perceived as insane.
Posted inMonday Manure - Satire
Fire alarm in engineering dorms celebrated as many students have their first social interaction of the academic year
What started as a simple fire drill in the Red Brick Dorms has turned into a beacon of hope for the loneliest among us.
Posted inMonday Manure - Satire
Cal Poly announces new study abroad program in Bakersfield
With the extreme rise in popularity of study abroad programs and their high cost, the Cal Poly administration has voted to open a new program, allowing students to study abroad in the city of Bakersfield.
Posted inMonday Manure - Satire
Cal Poly food pantry to begin stocking up on ZYN
The Cal Poly Food Pantry, which provides free food to students in need, has begun to stock up on the popular nicotine pouches, Zyn.
Posted inMonday Manure - Satire
Cal Poly Administration delays library opening to 2038 to focus efforts on big letters
The Cal Poly Administrative Board held a vote Tuesday to determine whether to expedite the construction of the Kennedy Library or build more big letters. The ultimate vote was unanimous in favor of big letters.