Editor’s note: Two Class Gents is a humor column that runs every Friday.
You know when you think you see some kid you knew from high school, but it turns out to be some ugly dude? Well, that happened to us, but it turned out to be professional tennis star Pete Sampras!
As Cal Poly’s officially sanctioned Rumor Patrol, we shall be the first to report that Mr. Sampras not only peruses the halls of Cal Poly, but is in fact a student! You may think to yourself, faithful Mustang Daily reader, what are the Rumor Patrol’s credentials? To you we say this: You’re being very uncouth, and you’re headed for a time out.
You want to know our credentials? Well, thanks to the Rumor Patrol, they caught that wild bear running around in the business building, and we also predicted that the band playing during UU Hour would be “not that great.”
Last week, on our way for simultaneous tea, crumpets, and skydiving with rebel billionaire Richard Branson, a muscular figure slammed into our flowing velour robes, knocking us to the ground. The Two Classy Gents sought an immediate apology; however, as the figure bent to retrieve his papers from the ground, he flexed a four-foot round thigh. Could it be professional tennis star Pete Sampras?
If you’re wondering what to do when encountering professional tennis star Pete Sampras, here are a few guidelines:
1. Always carry a tennis racket. Any time is game time for Sampras.
2. Never leave food out. A hungry Sampras is everwilling to ruin a perfectly good picnic.
3. Don’t comment how hot his wife was in “Billy Madison.” He hates it when you do that.
4. If he looks ready to attack, begin flailing your arms wildly. Remember, Sampras is more afraid of you than you are of him. (Note: If Sampras is frothing at the mouth, he is rabid and your only chance at survival is to play dead.)
So we brushed aside the man’s large unibrow, and of course it was Sampras. He noticed us noticing him and turned to leave. We asked: “What are you doing in our lives, Pete Sampras?” He winked, and with an enigmatic grin, whispered, “Saaammprraassss.” And like that, he was gone.
We were wondering why he whispered his own last name, especially since it didn’t answer our question. We headed to the Admissions office, and surely enough, Betsy the secretary informed us that professional tennis star Pete Sampras is a part-time student at Cal Poly. The Rumor Patrol needed a juicier scoop. Betsy let us know that Sampras is enrolled in two classes: pottery and intermediate witchcraft. We thought witchcraft was a little fishy for Sampras to be enrolled in, but Betsy let us know he was working on his backhand.
So there it is, faithful Mustang Daily reader. If you see a man with thighs the thickness of redwoods, and a heart of something richer than gold, like Supergold, then you might have run into professional tennis star Pete Sampras. If the man has two separate eyebrows, smaller legs, but still a heart of Supergold, run for your life, it’s Agassi!
Rumor Patrol out!
Classy: T-minus 112 days until Dan Brown’s “The Da Vinci Code” extravaganza!
Uncouth: The merger of UPN and WB. How will the Gilmore Girls handle this dilemma?
Doug Bruzzone and Mike Matzke are Two Classy Gents who moonlight as tennis champs on the weekends.