You’re right. I talk a big game. I basically declared war on the Sex and Dating column at the beginning of this quarter, crying for a change from its former mediocrity. I haven’t been able to please everyone all of the time, but I have managed to meet the goals I set at the start of this adventure. Except one: inclusiveness.
What? You protest. Haven’t I, somewhere in this sarcastic mess of a column, addressed an LGBT issue, sexual health information and even a topic most sex columnists find too graphic to discuss? Yes, but I’ve been working with an assumption that is, believe it or not, wrong: All college students have sex.
I have failed you, my abstinent readers. But honestly, I don’t have enough to say about abstinence for an entire column. I’m not abstinent, but I have nothing against it. Yawn. This is the kind of column I hated reading for the last four years. But I want those of you who are not sexually active to know that you’re not alone. Many people don’t have sex. I’m making the conscious decision to not get it on right now because it would be very difficult to write this column. So, to at least find a compromise for this inclusiveness issue, here is a list I made of very good reasons for not having sex:
1. When you are not emotionally ready for it.
2. When you don’t have protection with you. Safer sex, kids!
3. When one, both or all of you are drunk.
4. When you are at a funeral.
5. When you are at a family reunion.
6. When you are at or before a job interview. And to be clear, I include this on the list not because you won’t get the job, but because using this method to obtain a job will set a standard for the position(s) you take at the company.
7. During the third trimester of your pregnancy.
8. When you need to take something out of the oven in 15 seconds.
9. When doing any kind of project that involves super glue.
10. If you see something that looks like a camera in the room. Exception: If you discussed the camera’s involvement beforehand.
11. When your parents call to say they are on their way to your apartment.
12. When you are on a bunk bed that you share with a roommate.
13. When your hunger meter is low or your bladder meter is high. Note: only applies if you are a Sim. Also, how hilarious would it be if we started calling it “whoopee” in real life?
14. After eating spicy foods.
15. When “House“ is on.