How would the intimacy of sex be different when climax is not the main goal?
Regardless of relationship status, intimacy and closeness during sex is still important to some college-aged students, but is losing its way in many people’s experiences. In the age of modern dating, moving along the bases often happens in hyperspeed, creating a disregard for meaningful intimate moments.
Sex karezza, a concept defined by sex theorist J. William Lloyd, explores a different narrative of intercourse where the orgasm is removed, in order for partners to focus on warmth and relaxation. Karezza stems from the Italian phrase carezza, meaning to “caress.”
The goal of karezza is not dependent on the climax, but rather every moment before. Karezza is about getting you and your partner to “a relaxed state of union.” By removing the orgasm from the equation, karezza promotes a more gentle, sensual intercourse.
The following sources have varying sexual experience and relationships, and will remain anonymous due to the subject matter. They shared their opinions on sex karezza and how sex affects their relationships.
An accounting senior reflects on the dramatized and impractical situations that watching pornography gave him about intimacy. “Looking back on it, I realized how much it poisoned my mind and how unrealistic the expectations it set,” he said.
Early influences from the media altered his understanding of the climax and prioritizing the orgasm as the “end goal” of sex. This altered view changes the motives of sex to be a “skill to be mastered” and with the personal satisfaction of a climax rather than a personal connection between two people.
He feels that Gen Z often has the belief that sex has no lasting impact on one’s mental health, and that connection can be avoided after sexual intimacy. Sex has had a subconscious and conscious effect on his psyche, as he still remembers previous connections he’s had with people.
“You know, I heard someone say that once you have sex with someone, it never goes back. And when I was younger, I was like, ‘Oh, whatever. You know, I’m not the type of person to get attached,’” he said.“But now looking back on it, I realize I still remember every person that I have sex with or I’ve had, and they’ll probably stay with me for the rest of my life.”
Learning to communicate during intimacy and in aftercare is a goal that he and his partner have been working on together. “She explained to me that when aftercare is not done properly, it can lead to the feeling of being used just for sex rather than something that you know someone that you care for and like to share time with,” he said. “So it’s something that I’m actively working on actually understanding.”
A business administration sophomore sees climaxing as a bonus to intimate experiences with her partner. She has had varying experiences of “good” and “bad” sex, but her priority is now pleasing her partner, she said. She has had instances where she doesn’t finish during sex, but receives pleasure from knowing how her partner feels.
When asked about whether her sex is generally meaningful, she said that is her goal — but has not been the truth with the majority of her experiences. She finds sex to be “sweet” and “romantic,” but not as intensely connective.
“On the other hand, I don’t really feel like it’s like a deep soul connecting thing,” she said. “It never really went that deep for me, though. Maybe I just haven’t found a partner that I feel that deeply about.”
Karezza to her fits more with the foreplay and buildup than the actual act itself. “I definitely feel closer to my partner during the sweet romantic moments before versus just the let’s get it over with part,” she said.
While some have experienced an ongoing discovery of sexual intimacy, a communications sophomore feels that karezza should be the case for sex the majority of the time. She said it is a great method to focus on the intent and experience of intimacy.
“I don’t know about it from a guy’s perspective, but from my perspective I think that that’s the most exciting part and that’s what makes me feel most comfortable or would make me feel most comfortable in that type of situation,” she said.
She feels the media often skips over the loving and meaningful parts of sex. “I feel like a lot of the media portrays sex to be sometimes passionate, but a lot of the time it’s just like something that somebody needs and they crave,” she said.
Karezza seems familiar in its similarities to queer sex, where there is more gray area of what defines sex, according to a food science senior.
“I feel like especially when you look at non-straight relationships, the word sex is such an umbrella term for that,” she said.
A graphic design senior highlighted the ways that straight sex often prioritizes a man’s pleasure over a mutual experience. “I feel like unfortunately with straight sex, like a guy and a girl or a penis and a vagina it’s very dependent on when the man finishes, the sex is done,” she said. “That’s just like how it has always been.”
She said the way this idea is often reinforced by “a hit to the ego,” that some men feel when things like vibrators and toys could be introduced to make the experience more enjoyable for both people.
“I don’t feel like penetrative sex has ever made me come. And so sex has almost become less of that for me and more about things I find more enjoyable than penetrative sex.”
When asked about sex without the goal of an orgasm, she feels that for her that experience is already removed. Exploring sex karezza is something she is open to.
“It would be interesting or like to remove any of that and more just be like there with each other I guess,” she said.
According to J. Lloyd, karezza is done right when it connects love and spiritual connection to sex. In his theory, the method is a potential solution to intimacy problems.
Through karezza, sex has the possibility of being an experience that encourages a more mature and equitable version of sex. Though its techniques are different from most sexual methods, it offers a promotion of mutual satisfaction and prioritizes emotional health.
