The Monday Manure is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball.
Zach Berston is a journalism senior and a satire columnist for Mustang News. The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang Media Group.
After receiving her financial aid check for spring quarter, journalism junior Chella Garbanzo immediately returned the full amount, referencing a desire to maintain her identity as “a struggling college student with authentic vibes.”
“I just feel like I’d lose touch with my roots if I started affording groceries and toilet paper,” Garbanzo said, sipping an oat milk latte she bought with birthday money received through a Venmo from her grandmother.
Garbanzo explained that the illusion of financial hardship helps her connect with other students and craft more compelling Instagram captions like “Surviving, not thriving” and “Girl dinner but it’s just gum.”
University officials confirmed that while technically allowed, voluntarily declining financial aid for aesthetic reasons was “a new one.”
Through a private investigation conducted by the Monday Manure research division, it was discovered that Garbanzo’s household income is a modest $734,204 yearly, mostly due to a dual income from her parents, who are both plastic surgeons.
Garbanzo plans to continue documenting her suffering through posting her EBT card that she lied on the application for, and using an “Android phone” filter on her photos to downgrade the quality from her iPhone 16 Pro Max, adding that she might reaccept aid “ironically” in the future.
At time of publication, she had launched a GoFundMe titled Help Me Stay Poor. So far, it has raised $300 from a singular donor, “Grandpa Garbanzo,” with the message “You can do anything you put your mind to!”