Grace Kitayama | Mustang News
Grace Kitayama | Mustang News

The Hoof is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball. Ha. Puns.

Sydney Sherman is a journalism junior. The views expressed do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang News. 

As we enter the vast asphalt of California Polytechnic State University, although rare, students can still be seen on campus in a few select locations.

The black fields of rock remain empty, with the exception of a small group of trucks that are huddling near building 08A.

A recent pandemic has forced large populations of students away from these previously flourishing pastures, risking an endangered classification — when a population has decreased by at least 70 percent.

In the time preceding the great pandemic of 2020, the parking lots were full of life and various species of automobile animalia.

Flocks of Subarus would migrate up to the north, to the K1 parking lot behind the red bricks. 4Runners would come out of the woods after a long summer, generally making their way to various parts of the orange lots.

Back in those days, attempting to catch a spot was a daring feat, but there were a few ways to manage a successful attack.

For example, in a full lot, autos would spend days or weeks hunting through the metallic thicket searching for a spot. 

If by some miracle, a Hyundai Elantra per say was seen heading home for the evening — the chase was on.

A Toyota RAV4 detects the open spot and speeds toward its prey, but not before a Kia Sportage spots it too. The Toyota takes the long way around, leaving the forest of cars, heading toward the perimeter. The Kia, on the other hand, stays within the foliage, darting through pedestrians and other vehicles. The wrong move. Just before the Kia can turn out of the lane, a wild Prius turns in, blocking its path. This gives the Toyota just enough time to take the lead and finish the job.

Over at the Orange lots, a common hunting practice that’s been perfected and passed down for many generations is the “wait and follow” technique. While the first technique requires speed and agility, this approach relies on patience and a meticulous eye.

As classes start and end, students make the long journey to-and-fro, exiting and entering their vehicles. If timed right, a motor car can take advantage of this if they are adaptable.

A female Homosapien, age 22, emerges from campus market, heading toward the first Orange lot. A keen Jeep Grand Cherokee spies the fleeced Patagonia and steadily follows the girl at a respectable distance as she makes her way down Via Carta.

This pursuit seems promising, but alas, she makes a hard pivot toward Poly Canyon Village (PCV), and the hunt starts all over again.

However, not every day can be a success and occasionally cars would have no choice but to leave campus, missing their classes and ultimately any chance at success.

If you visit campus today, vague remnants of this time period can be seen. The lots, once full of life and tense student energy, have become a vast wasteland of rubble and dirt. However, for a small fee of $210, you can finally get a spot to attend your virtual classes!

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