Credit: Claire Lorimor | Mustang News

The Hoof is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball. Ha. Puns. 

Caroline Kelleher is an anthropology & geography freshman and Mustang News Satire Columnist. The views expressed do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang News. 

In the upcoming quarter, the Performing Arts Center has arranged an incredible lineup of speakers and performances that are sure to evoke emotions from students and attendees. 

Mansplaining: Why it’s Not Sexist

Friday, April 7 at 7:00 p.m.

Self-titled “woman expert” John J. Johnson will be elaborating on mansplaining and how it benefits women. Special appearance by a collection of Reddit moderators.  

Immersive Space Presentation

Sunday, April 16 at 6:30 p.m.

Join us for a combined production by the astrology and art departments, using 3D models to present in the ecosystems and topography of the planets. In order to maintain scientific integrity, the temperature in the auditorium will be adjusted accordingly to immerse attendees in the planets’ climates, ranging from 867ºF for Venus to -330ºF for Neptune. Pluto will not be discussed. 


Saturday, April 29 at 7:00 p.m.

This presentation will feature absolutely nothing. It will be completely silent and dark for the two-hour duration of the show. Any phones that go off will result in their owners being thrown out. This presentation has been organized to help students with anxiety. If sitting in silence won’t help them, what will? 

KidzBop Dance Party

Saturday, May 6 at 8:00 p.m.

Dress your best for this all-out party! Popular KidzBop Tunes will be played for 2 hours straight. Dance your heart out to these classics! 

Your Ex 

Sunday, May 14, at 7:30 p.m.

Surprise! It’s your ex-partner from high school, here to explain once more why they broke up with you, everyone they slept with since you, and then beg for you back! Doors will be locked until the presentation is over. 

STAT217 Final

Saturday, May 27 at 6:00 p.m. 

Please come take your stats final during this time slot. You must pay a fee of $15 to reserve your ticket. Anyone that does not have a ticket by May 20 will receive a zero for the whole class. Tickets are free for non-students who wish to view the misery of statistics.