Credit: Sophie Kroesche | Photo Illustration

The Hoof is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball. Ha. Puns. 

Izaac Tompkins is an environmental and protection management senior and satire columnist. The views expressed do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang News.

Following a tumultuous year of disastrous wildfires, bleak lawsuits and bankruptcy filings, power supplier and monopoly Pacific Gas & Electric (PG&E) has decided that providing Californians with power isn’t really worth the hassle anymore.

The state-subsidized electric giant will look towards more lucrative markets in a push to avoid repeating the same mistakes. Sources tell The Hoof that because continued threats of wildfires (due to unfortunately positioned powerlines) absolutely persist, PG&E will just simply shutdown its existing power generation plants throughout California. As for the thousands of Cal Poly students reliant on PG&E throughout San Luis Obispo, options are looking slim.

According to an unnamed official, the millions of Californians living in areas where PG&E is the sole power-provider will essentially be “out of luck.” Recommendations from the same official include: build your own windmill or whatever they did before PG&E “hooked you up.”

Despite making these recommendations, this source clarified that the investor-owned utility will not be providing customers with any assistance in the change, as the company is simply dissolving its customer service department. Any further calls will redirect to the nearest certified hand crank radio distributor. Customers worried about the date of the shutoff have been reassured that it will happen at some point within the next 15 minutes to 12 months.

A massive boom in the tiny home market throughout San Luis Obispo county and California has pushed PG&E to hunt for a slice of the overflowing market. All existing power plants owned by the electric giant will undergo transformation to large-scale tiny house neighborhoods. Diablo Canyon Nuclear Plant will be one of the many plants to make this transformation. Future residents are already being advised to simply ignore the wildly unsafe levels of nuclear radiation, since we probably have a few decades before the effects are apparent. Putting to rest any rumors that the new homes will be affordable, an official confirmed that the starting prices of each house will mirror the average home cost of the Pacific Heights in San Francisco.

Students across campus are worried about the ramifications of having to search for a new source of power, as San Luis Obispo also lacks another major power provider. 

“I don’t really know how on earth I’m going to get around campus without being able to charge my boosted skateboard,” agriculture business freshman John Watt said.

Hundreds of students will now face transportation issues on campus as electric skateboards, scooters and bicycles will be impossible to charge. Texting in class will be a massive feat to undertake as note passing will once again reign supreme as the ultimate way to avoid paying attention. Luckily, campus officials will initiate a buyback program for now-useless laptop computers, offering as much as $15 for newer generation computers.

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