The Hoof is a satire column created to find the humor in the daily life of Cal Poly students. If you’re looking for news, this is not it. If you’re looking for sports, this is kind of it, because we’re having a ball. Ha. Puns.

Brayden Martinez is an architecture engineering sophomore and Mustang News opinion columnist. The views expressed do not necessarily reflect those of Mustang News. 

As we get ready for the seasons to change here at the lovely Cal Poly –– the trees changing colors to vibrant shades of yellow and crimson, that smell of fall dancing in the air, longer nights and shorter days –– many students have been lauded as heroes of the university. This concept of actual seasons was new to freshmen from Southern California and they have begun tracking and putting out thousands of these tree fires across campus. 

Though the mysterious fires seem only to occur a handful of times a day, SoCal students are fast to roundup police and firefighters alike, and sometimes even put the fires out themselves. 

Water does not seem to work on these tree fires, as the trees somehow maintain their red glow even after being thoroughly doused. While there have been no casualties, many laptops and other school supplies have been hit with large amounts of water after SoCal students heroically saved those unsuspecting students who found themselves under the trees.

President of Cal Poly, Heffley Yarnstrong, sent out an email to all of the students this week begging them to stop.

“We do not need ‘heroes’ right now, what Cal Poly needs is the common sense not to dump water on people,” Yarnstrong wrote in the email. “For all those who need new laptops, I recommend buying from the Cal Poly bookstore, and a buy-one-get-one 10% off coupon will be provided at the end of this message (offer only available for engineering students).” 

The space for the coupon in question was mysteriously blank at the end of that email. 

Many SoCal students, including business administration freshman Belphine Johnson, turn to the change in wind patterns as a clear indicator of the cause.

“The winds are too cold, so that must be causing the trees to shiver like humans and this friction causes them to produce too much heat,” Johnson said after she saved four students from one of these dastardly occurrences. 

Johnson has saved numerous students’ lives over the course of the past few weeks and has been awarded a no-expenses-paid trip back to her house in L.A. where she is to stay under direct administrational order until the end of the quarter.

In order to avoid these problems in the future, Cal Poly Administration is now proposing that a GE requirement in environmental management be added to every degree flowchart in order to educate students on how trees typically work. Out-of-state students, particularly those who live further north, will be allowed to file for an exception, as long as they are able to pass an exam on the changing state of tree leaves.

Remember, not all heroes wear capes, anybody can make a difference in this world, big or small. So while SoCal students rush to put out these egregious fires plaguing our beloved campus, remember to pack a coat, grab your warm beverage of choice and buckle up for a colorful, beautiful autumn.

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