Daniel Gingras

I awoke in the middle of the night, wrenched in terror, the vision of Talk Sex’s Sue Johansson still burnt in my mind. She was flailing a menacing dildo at me and prophesizing the epic sexual impact that my five don’ts of sex will have on the community at large. I can no more deny Sue’s wishes than I can ignore the natural calls of my loins (which, coincidentally, sound very much like a conch shell blown by king Neptune himself).

Dear Madams:

DON’T be silent or still during sex. Participate. You’ll have more fun. Sex is a lot like a roller coaster ride. Wave your hands in the air, scream at the top of your lungs, and then get back in line and wait however long it takes to do it again because, hey, it’s a heart-pounding thrill-ride. Giving vocal indications of your excitement will excite us in turn, and guide us to the things you like best. Your signals will also halt us if we do something you’re not so keen on too.

DON’T be afraid. Be adventurous. If you memorize pages from the illustrated pocket Kama Sutra in your spare time, sex is your time to shine. Do not be afraid to scream out, “Page 15! The Position of the Goat and the Tree!” if that’s what you crave. Talk to us about reenacting a scene from your favorite movie, or buying those sweet superhero costumes from Fanny Wrapper’s. Sneak onto Cal Poly’s football field with us and do the dirty-bird on the 50-yard line. Individuals are a lot weirder than our collective society likes to acknowledge. If you’re brave about your desires, you’ll probably discover your man is willing and interested too.

DON’T expect men to initiate every time. As men, we accept our traditional role as the initiator, the aggressor, your mighty sexual conqueror etc. But we want ladies to know how unbearably sexy it is when you surprise us by ripping off our clothes. Catch us off-guard once in a while, and you will surely be rewarded with added enthusiasm in the bedroom.

DON’T sneak out in the morning. Cook him breakfast. Ladies do this in the movies all the time; your girlie bouncing around in your over-sized T-shirt and boxers is hot and bothering. Obviously, there are some other conditions that have to be met here. If it’s a random hook-up, maybe you’ve just got to chew your own arm off and split. Like if you had bad sex and you wake up in a pile of your own vomit, that’s not the occasion to go, “Look, I made you a scramble!” If it’s a new partner and things went well, he’ll be impressed by the courage and the grub. If it’s a familiar partner, you can enjoy that breakfast time together- and he’ll owe you one.

DON’T be a stalker. One-night stands happen. It’s unfortunate that people take advantage of each other or do things they regret when terms are unclear. Or maybe it was trickery; some guys will do anything to get to the finish line. But if love was your motive and sex was his, you’ve been duped. Don’t make it worse than it already is with a battle plan of affection. Your energy would be better spent either on revenge, or continuing the search for somebody who wants all of you, not just the sexy bits.

Love,

Daniel Gingras.

For questions, comments, or to ask Daniel on a blind date, e-mail him at dgingras@calpoly.edu.

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