Ryan Chartrand

“Xbox 360,” an epic name of mystery and grand proportions.

“PlayStation 3,” a name of nostalgia, imagination and infinite possibilities.

“Wii,”-

Um, I don’t know. What the hell does “Wii” even mean? How do you even pronounce it? “WEE Let’s go on the swing!” or “Why is this such a terrible name?” The Japanese have been crazy when it comes to the video game industry for years, but when you change a next-gen console name from “Revolution” to “Wii,” you might as well rename it one more time to “We are Insane.”

Let’s listen in on how Nintendo can possibly justify their fall from sanity.

“While the code-name ‘Revolution’ expressed our direction, Wii represents the answer. Wii will break down that wall that separates game players from everybody else. Wii will put people more in touch with their games…and each other,” according to the Wii Web Site.

First, Wii does not represent the answer; if anything, it represents the letter E on an A-D multiple-choice test. Second, “Wii” is not going to put me more in touch with my games. A revolutionary controller will, but apparently it’s not revolutionary anymore.

“Nintendo needs you. Because, it’s really not about you or me. It’s about Wii. And together, Wii will change everything.”

All right, now might be a good time for someone to start investigating into a possible cult. Let’s not forget this is coming from the same people who think Italian plumbers can save princesses from evil turtles.

Sure, you can argue that names like Gizmondo, Dreamcast and Sega Saturn are far better than Xbox 360 and they failed horribly. But let’s not forget that history doesn’t repeat itself, it only rhymes. And what rhymes with Wii? Sigh. Then again, outlast rhymes with Dreamcast-

I really thought Nintendo had it this time. I really thought that for once they might be able to at least dominate the second seat in the next-gen console war. But with a name like Wii, I’d be surprised if anyone takes them seriously anymore.

Nintendo was going to start a revolution. Neither Microsoft nor Sony had any plans of completely ditching standardized controllers. Gamers around the world have only seen the previously-named “Revolution” as this godly console that only the imagination can define. As more and more specifics come out, the facts are looking more dismal and a name change like “Wii” is only killing the “Paul Revere Factor” that their revolution once had.

Nintendo still lacks an out-of-the-box DVD player functionality. Who wants to buy a $400 system if they’re not getting their bonus DVD player with it? While Nintendo worries about an external DVD player for its Wii, Microsoft and Sony are fighting over who will be able to play HD-DVD’s first.

Nintendo, you have one E3 to clean up your act or else the casual gamers will spend the next five years not even knowing how to pronounce “Wii.”

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